December 25, 2020

Holiday Wishes on a Cold Winter’s Morning!

What’s on my mind? One of the many perks of having Canadian cartoonist Graham Harrop as a long-friend is that he spoils us with a gorgeous cartoon each year. This is Graham’s 2020 card. May you all be so lucky! And - despite the sadness and the anger and the necessary restrictions of 2020 - may you all do your best and be your best for a safe, sane, calm and happy Christmas.


And thank you, Graham and others around the world, for your greatly appreciated readership and notes. xox Nicole


© Graham Harrop, 2020 

December 19, 2020

She Knew Nozzink!

What’s on my mind? Stuff happens. Stupid stuff, to be sure. Stupid medical stuff I wouldn’t normally mention.

A few days ago, I had the kind of minor, out-of-the-blue “medical incident” that eventually knocks on everyone’s door. And so it was that a technician wired me up and plugged me in. I distinctly remember her telling me that I shouldn’t remove the electrodes, but that she would do it. 


Tottering home, I went about my daily business, forgetting that a machine would be sending NASA (what-ev-er!) beep-beeps about my bawdy parts. Sitting vaguely reminded me of the electric chair (“I’ll tawk! I’ll tawk! I wuz framed!”), so I tried not to sit too much.


Today was the day the electrodes came off. We dutifully drove to the technician’s office, only to find her AWOL. The woman who answered my knock on the COVID-secured door said she couldn’t unplug me because she knew nozzink about electrodes, advanced physics, the collision of stars in the universe, or stupid medical stuff.   


She told me to go unplug myself. I considered answering in kind, but would never swear at a well-meaning, hard-working essential worker. I whinged: “I don’t know how to do-o-o it! I can’t re-e-e-ach those places!” She nodded toward our car, with Himself behind the wheel.


“Zat your husband?” she asked. “Yeah,” I said. “He can unplug you,” she said, before closing the door in my face. 


When I told Himself what had happened, he said: “Here, let me help you!” He’s the obnoxious, cheerful type.


When he tried, I said: “No! Get away from me!” I’m the obnoxious, independent type.


I bent, I contorted, but couldn’t quite manage the plugs. So Himself took a turn, reaching under … Never mind what he reached under! He unclipped the $#@! plugs. I was happy to have them off - so happy that if I were a smoker, I might have had one. 


Considerably more relaxed, I knocked on the door, again. The same woman appeared.


Handing her the bag of electrodes, I said: “Look, I’m really sorry I was short with you a couple of minutes ago. You were right. My husband took everything off. We’ve been married 10 years: It’s the closest thing to car sex we’ve ever had.”


© Nicole Parton, 2020 

December 18, 2020

Thinking Outside the Box

What’s on my mind? In this unusual and tragic year, Himself wanted to make our annual Christmas garden extra bright to cheer up our neighbors. So here’s what happened when he did. 


A few nights ago, our friend Bev brought her two-year-old granddaughters to tour the garden by night. Of the many lit gardens around here, ours is probably one of the smallest, but Himself and I always get lit at Christmas. 


We stayed inside during the children’s tour, but saw one one little girl pet an artificial deer, while the other put a small gift bag on the sidewalk - perhaps because I told Bev I’d leave a small box of chocolates on the mat for the girls. This story is about those chocolates. 


Rather than give homemade cookies for Christmas - perhaps not the best idea in the Year of COVID - I’d previously bought a few small boxes of Belgian chocolates as holiday gifts for the neighbors. 


Ever-efficient, I’d already gift-tagged the boxes and placed them under the tree, briefly forgetting I’d promised the children chocolates, too. Problem: I hadn’t bought an extra box. When Bev rang the bell, I was unsuccessfully trying to claw off a tag labelled “Lee and Carole,” our neighbors across the street.


An uncomfortable number of seconds passed before I gave up and opened the door, rearranging my face from frenetic to calm and cow-like. 


Pasting a placid smile on my face, I said: “Hi-i-i, Bev … Nice to se-e-e-e yo-u-u-u.” Trying to appear relaxed, I lounged against the door frame while - behind my back and unseen to Bev - sending Himself desperate hand signals. 


With a passable command of Spousal Signaling, Himself caught on that there must be an “issue” with the box of chocolates. 


Himself is sometimes hit-and-miss in Spousal Signaling, but his talent for Spousal Mind Reading is keen. He instantly grasped that whatever “issue” the box may have, an “issue” always means trouble.  


Putting 2+2 together, Himself remembered I’d been bending over the box until the doorbell rang. He correctly concluded the “issue” must be the tag on the box. 


And so he jumped into action, doing his best to scrape off the tag before finally giving up and scissoring it off. As I stood in the doorway, he slipped me the box of chocolates, Mission Accomplished. I, in turn, placed the box on the mat, closing the door as the girls began their tour. 


Only then did I see the tag Himself had cut from the box. There it lay on the hallway table - his prize in Spousal Signaling, his victory laurels for Spousal Mind Reading - the scissors directly beside it. The tag read: “Milk Chocolate with Truffle Filling ... Mocha Crème Filling Enrobed in White Chocolate …” and so on. Unsure exactly what the “issue” was, Himself had removed the tag describing the chocolates in the box.


Which is how Bev’s granddaughters came to receive a box of chocolates labeled “Lee and Carole,” and why we, in turn, got a tantalizing description of the contents of a box of fine Belgian chocolates we’d just given two two-year-olds.


We felt like dorks. We are dorks. If theres a silver lining, it’s that Lee and Carole will never know what they’ve missed. Unless they ask to tour the garden, of course. In which case, we'll hand them a box of chocolates labeled “Tom and Ann.”


© Nicole Parton, 2020

December 16, 2020

The Santa Clause of Life’s Contract

What’s on my mind? 


I was 16. My job was to steer over-excited kids onto Santa’s lap; to blow up balloons with a hand pump as Santa grilled them; and to hand the brats a balloon and a candy cane before their beaming moms.


Probably the sole reason Santa got the job as a department-store Claus was that he was fat. Probably the sole reason I got the job as a department-store elf was that I wasn’t. The elf costume fit perfectly, as it had for the many, many, men-nee elves who’d preceded me. A quick sniff of the underarm area confirmed that.


Santa’s German accent was thicker than goulash. A tiny fleck of spittle usually danced on his lips. Terrified by his voice, his spun-plastic beard, and ... well, the spit, some kids wailed and peed on his legs. Santa bounced them on his knee to shut them up; the photographer took a picture; I handed them a balloon and a candy cane; their mothers took them away and ordered them to stifle.


On our coffee breaks, Santa’s beard came off and his feet went up in a foldable secular house painted with fake gingerbread men, candy canes, and a sign reading THE NORTH POLE. The house was near the red velvet chair where his equally red velvet suit routinely absorbed the pee hits. If the still-stinky underarms of my elf costume were any indication, the department store wouldn’t be dry cleaning any elf or Santa outfits when our Christmas gig ended. 


I joined Santa on these breaks, pumping up extra balloons to get ahead of the mob. Moms sometimes plunked three kids on his lap; I needed to be ready when the hordes descended.


In the privacy of his foldable house, Santa loved nothing more than to reminisce about his Glory Days in the Luftwaffe. With my reading mostly focussed on porn, I didn’t know much about the war. Trying to make conversation, I said: “My father was a tail-gunner with the Royal Air Force. He flew over Dresden at 20,000 feet.”


Santa glanced up from his reverie. In a soft, even voice, he asked: “Was ist das?” I assumed the question was hypothetical, and continued pumping balloons. 


Without warning, Santa screamed: “WAS IST DAS!?!?” He sounded like I imagined an interrogation officer would sound, which was exactly how (as I later learned at the movies) interrogation officers sounded. 


Also without warning, he snatched my balloon blower, pushing it down his pants (“Is that a balloon blower in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”).


Outside the foldable house, with Santa back in his chair, everyone was decking the halls and laughing about a holly, jolly Christmas and asking Rudolph to lead their sleigh tonight while my virginal 16-year-old lips couldn’t pucker hard or fast enough to meet the demand for balloons. I was a lamb thrown to the Wölfe. Kids started mewling: “I want a bal-lo-o-on!” Even two candy canes wouldn’t pacify them.


Santa told the department store I wasn’t up to the job. I told the department store Santa was a closeted Nazi who’d stolen my balloon blower. The department store fired me. I had to turn in my sweaty elf costume. This experience taught me to steer clear of men in red suits.


© Nicole Parton, 2020

December 10, 2020

Nicole Cuts Himself’s Hair

What’s on my mind? 


I am the Delilah to my husband’s Samson. When I recently cut his long COVID hair, his strength ebbed - an understatement. He screamed and almost fainted.


Himself is one of those hippie-at-heart guys who, in his long-ago youth, wore a ponytail and mustache. He looked lousy in a ponytail, but only moderately lousy in a mustache.


I now sport an 8-inch COVID ponytail. For the first time since I was (never) a hippie, I can wear my hair up or down. I look lousy with my hair down, but only  moderately lousy in a ponytail.


Himself and I are the perfect couple. Neither of us looks lousy all the time, though the hair on Himself’s head has been growing so fast and so long that the scary notion he might wear a ponytail was becoming ever more real each day.  


As though changing gears on a sleek sports car, I effortlessly slipped into Nag Mode: “CUT YOUR HAIR, YOU IDIOT!” Not quite like that, but sorta like that.


How do you get your cut hair while social distancing? Our hair grew another inch as we hemmed and hawed, straddled fences, put the issue on the back burner, and generally took comfort in tired clichés.


I’m no stranger to home haircuts. My father once put a bowl on my head, cutting anything that dangled below it. Arms, legs … Nothing was safe. My friends are on alert that anyone who releases my Grade 1 class photo will face a lawsuit. In that shot, I look like a lanky first-grader whose hair was cut with a bowl on her head. Nuff said.


I once persuaded Himself to let me trim his hair before a party, upon which I learned a man dressed in a tuxedo with a baseball cap isn’t trying to make a fashion statement. Whenever a Fellow Guy said: “Hey, buddy, lose the cap!” Himself snapped: “NO!” Period. Full stop. Conversation closed.


Hair = Identity. Consider the not-you anonymous blockhead whose heavily sprayed comb-over has morphed from orange to yellow to metallic silver with a touch of white. I’ve never met this narcissistic dodo, so I’m splitting hypothetical hairs.


Back to reality. When Himself offered to chop my lousy long hair, I cried: “No-o-o-o!” Still concerned about the social distancing dilemma, he allowed me to cut his only after I said I’d learned my lesson from the baseball cap incident. Which, of course, I hadn’t.  


Ever wondered why barbers and stylists hold hair between their index and middle finger as they cut it? I have. After doing exactly that, I thought: “Hmmm ..? Do I cut above or below my fingers? Above? Below? Above? Below?” I shrugged and picked “below.” 


How wrong could it be, I thought? The second I snipped, he snapped. I knew what I’d done was very wrong. But once you start, you have to finish, right? I finished Himself’s hair re-e-e-al good.


Eye-balling his head in the mirror, Himself let out a strangled sob. Trying to make light of it, I said: “If I stuck a finger in each ear and lifted your chin with another, I could use your head as a bowling ball, ha-ha.”


Himself didn’t laugh. I’m going to buy him another sports cap for Christmas. One with anything - anything - but a slogan about bowling.


PS: Hair means trauma. I’ve written about hair many, many, ma-ny times before. See Diane Cuts Her Husband’s Hair for the story of Himself’s first scalping. 


© Nicole Parton, 2020

December 8, 2020

Enough, Already!

What’s on my mind? 


Enough, already! Fie on sore losers! 


Fie on babies who mewl about legally conducted elections! Fie on narcissists and grifters! 

Fie on COVIDs indiscriminate cruelty! (But follow the rules and stay safe).  

Fie on it all! 


Think Gingerbread Men! And enjoy my daughters funny video and this great recipe: 


https://nicoleparton.blogspot.com/2011/12/gingerbread-men-with-attitude.html


© Nicole Parton, 2020

November 21, 2020

Chumps for Trump

What’s on my mind? 


“This year will mark the 73rd year of the pardoning, and whether Trump finally admits it, it will indeed be the last of this presidency.” - CNN Politics Online, Nov 18th, on the annual Presidential “pardon” of the Thanksgiving turkey.


Really? The last pardon of Donald Trump’s presidency? Doubt it. Watch for Trump to try to pardon one more turkey - himself - before he leaves office.


The recent election and its run-up cost $14 billion. Last  August - August! - Trump said: “The only way we’re going to lose this election is if the election is rigged.” Three months out and he was already declaring fraud if he lost. 


He lost. And hoodwinked his supporters. They just don’t know it, yet. Fraud? When you’re a cheater, you assume everyone else cheats, too.


He’s blocking Biden’s transition into the White House (I beg your pardon. I never promised you the Rose Garden ...). We’ve all been relegated to the audience of the Daily Donald Show: How mean and petty will this thug and bully get? How loud will his tantrums and outrage be this time? When will riots break out? How much has he spent so far on doomed, baseless lawsuits and recounts? 


In my opinion, those suits are little more than a distraction - one of those “bright, shiny objects” the media’s always talking about.


The real object? Peeling a few dollars from the mesmerized chumps in his thrall; playing the pea-and-shell game with debt; arranging pardons for his family; giving democracy and soon-to-be President Joe Biden the finger; and giving the Courts the slip. 


No matter what, the chumps for Trump will stand by their man. He needs them to validate his importance; they need him to validate theirs. 


Long after he’s gone, when the gawking, paying chumplet in all of us tours the “former” Trump tower and the “former” Mar-a-Lago and the “former” Trump golf courses, I’m guessing it’ll be the gold toilets we stare at longest, pondering all the crap this amoral charlatan flushed down.


That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it.


© Nicole Parton, 2020  

November 16, 2020

The Crazed, the Crisis, and the Cult of Donald Trump

What’s on my mind? 


If Donald Trump were to fall on his head (clunk!); pardon himself for all past and future crimes; wheedle that he wants to play with “that big red button;” and start signing blank proclamations with “Forever, The Don;” his Republican enablers might roll their eyes with one of those “Oh, you kidder!” looks. 


But if Trump began singing “We Are the World;” conceded the best man won the election and “I ain’t it;” recanted every conspiracy theory he’d ever absorbed, retold, and retweeted; embraced fair-minded media outlets; told Rosie O’Donnell he respected her; told Melania he loved her; told Putin, Kim, Xi, and other dictators the bromance was over; apologized to every person, corporation, and agency he’d ever hurt, lied, cheated, unfairly fired, or otherwise trashed …  


If he did that and restored every international treaty from which he’d precipitously withdrawn; every diplomatic relationship he’d ended in a fit of pique; admitted he’s not the brightest bulb in the chandelier; trusted reason, science, and the wisdom of daily briefings; and (oh-h-h-h, yes-s-s-s!) admitted Don Jr.’s an angry jerk, Rudy’s a nutter, Dr. Scott Atlas is out of his depth, and he (the 45th President of the United States) has been an incompetent loon since Day One as well as being a danger to the free world ...


Well ... If Trump did this and more, those same Republican enablers might shake in their shoes, knowing the jig is up. 


Say bye-bye, Donald. Time to put on your big boy pants and stop being such a cry-baby.

November 14, 2020

Bula! Bula!

What’s on my mind? 

They say everyone has a first time. You’re sure you’ll look “different” - and that every stranger in the street will know you’ve performed “the act.” Guilt sets in. You confide in a friend, later thinking: “What if she tells someone? I don’t want everyone else to know!”

But they will know.  When I colored my hair last month, everyone knew. That’s because a scar like a train track winds around my head. My naturally brown hair normally hides this scar, but the track turned Roadkill-Red two seconds after I applied a color billed as having (1) “light reddish tones” and being (2) “PERMANENT.”   


“ACK! ACK!” I thought, washing and scrubbing with a fervor I haven’t felt since Mike Goepel planted one on my lips in Grade 7.


Grabbing Himself’s 30-year-old bula towel (his beloved memory of Fiji) to dry my hair, I noticed large swaths of the towel had turned purple. 


“It’ll come out in the wash!” I nervously reassured myself. The word “PERMANENT” again coming to mind, it didn’t. Skilfully folding the purple parts, I hid the towel under a suitcase. 


Himself loves this towel the way he loves me - unconditionally, despite its age and frayed edges. It didn’t take long before he asked: “Where’s my bula towel?” I would have casually taken my leave at that point, but “bula” means “hi” in Fijian. 


“Dunno … Haven’t seen it!” Which, while this wasn’t exactly true, it wasn’t exactly a lie, the towel being outa-sight-outa-mind, under the suitcase. 


Himself probably sniffed the lingering odor of argan and wheat germ oils the package promised in either or all the developer cream, colorant cream, and color care conditioner in the product, because he started hunting.


Who reads package fronts (or side or backs, for that matter)? Not me. But I was reading them no-o-w … The words on the package that stuck with me were those very oils. 


With no idea what argan and wheat germ oils were, I looked them up. 


“Does wheat germ make you poop?” someone asked Google. I’m not sure the question or its reply were relevant, but here goes: 


“Along with endosperm (endo- wha-a-a?), germ and bran make up a whole grain, providing the fiber necessary for a healthy intestinal bacteria balance that turns your digestive tract into a pooping powerhouse.”


I definitely did not want to become a “pooping powerhouse.”


Argan oil? “Four wheat germ oil alternatives … purchased from a local supermarket in Hawaii, were added to a fruit fly liquid larval diet as a replacement for wheat germ oil in the rearing of fruit fly larvae.” 


Fruit flies? Endosperm? A pooping powerhouse? I don’t … want … to know.


At that very moment, I heard Himself scream: “My bula towel! My bula towel!” It was the sound of rage fueled by grief. He must have looked under the suitcase.


© Nicole Parton, 2020

November 11, 2020

Propaganda and the Presidency

What’s on my mind?


“Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the President or any other public official, save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country …” - Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of the United States (in an essay originally published in Metropolitan Magazine, May 1918). 


“Operation Warp Speed, launched in May, is a massive scientific, industrial, + logistical endeavor unlike anything seen since the Manhattan Project …” - @IvankaTrump, Nov. 9, 2020 tweet 


The mid- July, 1945 Manhattan Project was the first detonation of a nuclear weapon - Wikipedia 


“70 million pissed off republicans and not one city burned to the ground.” - @DonaldJTrumpJr, Nov. 7, 2020 pinned tweet


Numerous retweets about “voter suppression, irregularities, and fraud” as well as a website and phone number to “Tell us what you are seeing … Report a case.” - @EricTrump - Nov. 10 retweet


“It’s all starting to crumble” - @EricTrump - Nov. 10 tweet 


URGENT: We Will Not Win in Georgia Unless YOU Get Involved, Call the Governor NOW” - @seanhannity, Fox News journalist, Nov. 10 tweet


And this, on the Twitter account of Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States, Nov. 10, with a cautionary note from Twitter: 




Trump has tweeted versions of this over and over. It’s the old story: When you’re a hammer, everything looks like a nail. When you're a cheater, everyone looks like a cheater.


And also this, from a Republican friend in Washington state.

“I knew a 28-year-old who got COVID and died on the 15th day. I knew a woman who was perfectly healthy and died in less than a week. The virus is real and it’s dangerous.”

Her brother and sister-in-law believe masks, social distancing and COVID are fake. Hardline Trump supporters, they also believe the election was stolen.


© Nicole Parton, 2020

October 31, 2020

Drawing the Line

What’s on my mind? 


Lines??? Who sez I have to write lines if its tru? (Oh … You do.)


Your not the boss of me! (Oh … Your the boss of me.) 


I won’t stay after school! I won’t! I won’t! (Oh … I do. But I’ll show you! Hee-hee!)  


The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy. 

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is not a dummy.

The Prezdent is ...


© Nicole Parton, 2020 

October 30, 2020

How Will I Ever Look at America the Same Way Again?

What’s on my mind?

Always a source of outstanding writing, yesterday’s New York Times has once again excelled. With the US Presidential election four days away, opinion writer Frank Bruni looks inward, at the heart and soul of the nation. The title of this republished post is his. I apologize that the links in Bruni’s column didn’t make it into this post. Blame Blogger for that; the links appear on my draft - NP 

It’s always assumed that those of us who felt certain of Hillary Clinton’s victory in 2016 were putting too much trust in polls.


I was putting too much trust in Americans.


I’d seen us err. I’d watched us stray. Still I didn’t think that enough of us would indulge a would-be leader as proudly hateful, patently fraudulent and flamboyantly dishonest as Donald Trump.


We had episodes of ugliness, but this? No way. We were better than Trump.


Except, it turned out, we weren’t.


Never mind that the Russians gave him a boost. Or that he lost the popular vote. Some 46 percent of the Americans who cast ballots for president in 2016 picked him, and as he moved into the White House and proceeded to soil it, most of those Americans stood by him solidly enough that Republicans in Congress didn’t dare to cross him and in fact went to great, conscience-immolating lengths to prop him up. These lawmakers weren’t swooning for a demagogue. They were reading the populace.


And it was a populace I didn’t recognize, or at least didn’t want to.


What has Trump’s presidency taken from us? I’m reasonably sure that many Americans feel the same loss that I do, and I’m struggling to assign just one word to it.


Innocence? Optimism? Faith? Go to the place on the Venn diagram where those states of mind overlap. That’s the piece of me now missing when I look at this beloved country of mine.


Trump snuffed out my confidence, flickering but real, that we could go only so low and forgive only so much. With him we went lower - or at least a damningly large percentage of us did. In him we forgave florid cruelty, overt racism, rampant corruption, exultant indecency, the coddling of murderous despots, the alienation of true friends, the alienation of truth itself, the disparagement of invaluable institutions, the degradation of essential democratic traditions.


He played Russian roulette with Americans’ lives. He played Russian roulette with his own aides’ lives. In a sane and civil country, of the kind I long thought I lived in, his favorability ratings would have fallen to negative integers, a mathematical impossibility but a moral imperative. In this one, they never changed all that much.


Polls from mid-October showed that about 44 percent of voters approved of Trump’s job performance — and this was after he’d concealed aspects of his coronavirus infection from the public, shrugged off the larger meaning of it, established the White House as its own superspreader environment and cavalierly marched on.


Forty-four percent. Who in in God’s name are we? I’m not forgetting pre-Trump American history. I’m not erasing hundreds of years of slavery, the internment of Japanese Americans, the many kinds of discrimination that have flourished in my own lifetime, all the elections in which we Americans made stupid choices and all the presidents who did “un-American” things. We’re a grossly imperfect country, our behavior at frequent odds with our ideals. 


But for every abomination, I could name a moment of grace. For many of our sins, stabs at atonement. We demonstrated a yearning to correct our mistakes and, I think, a tropism toward goodness. On balance we were open, generous. When I traveled abroad, people from other countries routinely complimented Americans for that. They experienced us as arrogant, but also as special.


Now they just pity us.


How much of this can we pin on Trump? Not as much as we try to. And oh, how we’ve tried. This obsession of the news media and his detractors with every last eccentricity and inanity isn’t just about keeping a complete record, I’ve come to realize. It’s also a deflection, an evasion: If he gets the whole of the stage, then Americans’ complicity and collaboration are shoved into the wings.


And the freakier we make him out to be, the less emblematic he is. The more he becomes a random, isolated event. We emphasized what a vanquishable opponent Hillary Clinton was because that diminished the significance of the vanquishing and the vanquisher. We spoke of a perfect storm of circumstances that led to his election as a way of disowning the weather.


We cheered on Robert Mueller’s investigation not just because it might hold Trump and his wretched accomplices to account but also because it might explain him away, proving that he reached the White House by cheating, not because he was what nearly half of the country decided that they wanted.We tried to make him a one-and-done one-off. But deep into his presidency, when his execrable character had been fully exposed, his Fox News cheerleaders continued to draw huge audiences for their sycophantic panegyrics.


Trump himself continued to attract big crowds to his rallies, like the one in Greenville, N.C., in July 2019, when he pressed his attack on four Democratic congresswomen of color, including Representative Ilhan Omar, who immigrated from Somalia. Egged on by him, his audience chanted: “Send her back! Send her back!” He stopped speaking to give those words room, and he soaked them in.


Or what about the recent rally in Muskegon, Mich., where he freshly assailed the state’s governor, Gretchen Whitmer, despite the fact that his obsessive denunciations of her had possibly been a factor in an alleged plot by 14 men to kidnap her? “Lock her up!” many of the attendees bellowed, to Trump’s obvious amusement.


Again, how has his approval rating not fallen to negative integers?


I’m not saying that support for him is spun entirely of malice or bias. Keen economic anxiety and profound political estrangement are why many voters turned to him, as my Times colleague Farah Stockman explained especially well in a recent editorial that was set in America’s disheartened heartland. “Even false hope,” she noted, “is a form of hope, perhaps the most ubiquitous kind.”


The headline on the article was “Why They Loved Him.” But why haven’t more of them stopped loving him? And how did so many Americans beyond that group fall so hard for him, thrilling to his recklessness, applauding his divisiveness, indulging his unscrupulousness? He tapped into more cynicism and nihilism than this land of boundless tomorrows was supposed to contain.


He tapped into more conspiratorialism, too. And I do mean “tapped.” Trump didn’t draw out anything that wasn’t already there, burbling beneath the surface.

He didn’t sire white supremacists. He didn’t script the dark fantasies of QAnon. He didn’t create all the Americans who rebelled against protective masks and mocked those who wore them, a selfish mind-set that helps explain our tragic lot. It just flourished under him.


And it will almost certainly survive him. The foul spirit of these past five years — I’m including his hateful campaign — has been both pervasive and strangely proud. That’s what makes it different. That’s what makes it so chilling.


I could be overreacting. Maybe, just ahead, there will be moments of grace, enough of them to redeem us. Maybe I’ll look up on or after Nov. 3 and see that Biden has won North Carolina, has won Michigan, has won every closely contested state and the presidency in a landslide. Maybe I’ll have to eat my words.


Please, my fellow Americans, feed me my words. I’d relish that meal.


© Frank Bruni, The New York Times, Oct. 29, 2020


The author of three best-selling books, Frank Bruni has been with The Times since 1995. After holding a variety of posts, Bruni became a columnist in 2011. 

October 29, 2020

Whoosh!

What’s on my mind? 


Hey, you! Lighten up! Your thoughts are in a negative loop. 


Yes, the virus sucks. Yes, this is a time for worry and sadness. Your inner adult knows that, but your inner child wants to rebel. Sorry, kid, that big anniversary party needs to wait. Unfortunately, honey, this isn’t the year to take that exotic vacation. If you don’t curb your impulses, that party or vacay may be the last you and those you love ever have.  


Yes, you still need to nurture your inner child, and yes, you still need to live your life, but do it safely. Learn to use video-chat ... Explore new hobbies … Return to old ones … Call a friend to ask: “Howya doin’?” … Donate to the food bank … There are plenty of ways to connect without actually “being there” in the time of COVID. Consider what works for you. Then do it!


I firmly believe most of us are dorks under the skin. We do and say unintended things that look and sound silly. There are glimmers of light even in a time of tragedy. There are times to shake your head and think: “Dork!” Look at yourself in the mirror. Lighten up! 


If you aren’t already doing it, smile at yourself - not in an “I’m such a useless person ...” way, but in a head-shaking, self-amused way. Get in touch with your feelings. Ask yourself: “Howya doin’?” If you can answer: “I’m doing the best I can” ... Give yourself permission to feel okay about that.


This health crisis will get better. But we all need to do our part - you, me, our families, our friends, our co-workers, our elected representatives … everyone.  


Turning the corner? Not yet. But we will if we all pull together ... Wear a mask. Keep a 6 ft. (2 m) distance ... Maintain your safe “bubble.” Wash your hands - often! Don’t attend large social gatherings - especially indoors. 


Being depressed, angry, sad, and scared is normal. I sometimes ride the same roller-coaster. Doing even a small good deed for someone else will lift your spirits. Kindness will help you cope. Finding the smile hidden under the sadness will make you feel better, even if momentarily.


Here’s a calming exercise to help in moments of crisis. Don’t rush through it. Don’t expect to master it immediately. Take your time. Trust me … It will help. It takes only a couple of minutes. Read it over until you “get it.” Then do it.


Turn off the TV. Set aside any distractions. Get comfortable on the couch or in your favorite quiet place. Use a pillow or a warm blanket if that helps.


Close your eyes. Empty your mind. Sit or lie quietly until you’re ready to do more. Your eyes are getting heavy. Close them. Focus on your breath. Nothing more. 


Breathe in through the nose, and WHOOSH! Out through the mouth … 


Focus on the slow rhythm of your breath. Slowly, slowly … 


In through the nose ... Out through the mouth …


Empty your mind. Your thoughts are floating away like soap bubbles. Hear them pop. Keep your eyes closed. Focus on your breath. Nothing more. 


In through the nose ... WHOOSH! Out through the mouth …


Nothing more. 


In through the nose ... Out through the mouth …


Focus on your breath.


In through the nose ... WHOOSH! 


Do this for two minutes. Open your eyes. If you feel it’s necessary, do it a little longer.


Rest. Remain in your comfortable sofa or chair. Listen to quiet, relaxing music. Calm your anxious mind. Things will get better.


Focus on your breath. 


In through the nose ... Out through the mouth … 


Done.


Do this again, the next time you feel stressed. Now get on with your life. A crisis is an event that doesn’t go on forever. This will not go on forever. Despite those dark clouds, the sun will shine again.

© Nicole Parton, 2020