What’s on my mind? Food. Himself and I have peanut-butter breath, consider bacon a food group, and use gluten facial scrubs. We’re omnivorous, but no one else seems to be.
I’ve kept notes on guests’ food sensitivities for years. If you don’t like it, we won’t serve it. We routinely ask the “food sensitivities” question when we extend an invitation.
A year ago, we had a small dinner party to which a very nice woman almost didn’t come. “I can’t eat anything!” she said. Which was odd, because she wasn’t exactly thin.
“Tell me what you can eat, and I’ll make it,” I said.
“Just a few steamed vegetables with nothing on them. I’m allergic to everything else.”
So that’s exactly what I served her. She spent the evening picking food from her husband’s plate - and eating half his dessert.
I once gave a buffet dinner party for a group of hungry university students. One announced she was vegan. I knocked myself out to cook food she could eat, labeling each vegan dish with a prominent V. When the dinner bell rang, the students stampeded to the table - and the vegan stopped in her tracks.
“Everything looks so good I’ll forget about being vegan tonight!” And dived right in. Which didn’t really matter because the non-vegans ate the vegan stuff, too.
That was 25 years ago, when the world was younger and life was simpler. Now that we and most of the people we know are old, life is more complicated.
Last year, when Himself did the cooking for a dinner party, he forgot to ask a woman he’d invited the all-important “food sensitivities” question. What happened will forever be seared into our memories.
As Himself placed the dish before her, her mouth turned down and she pushed the plate as far as she could shove it. In a very loud voice, she said: “I’m not eating that!” And didn’t. Her husband had two servings and loved every morsel.
With no names given, here are my notes on what some of our guests can’t/won’t eat. This isn’t a whimsical listing. It’s true:
• No cheese.
• Little sugar, low fat, small portions. Diabetic.
• Lactose intolerant. Likes almond milk. Can’t take much fat; has gluten issues.
• Cannot eat green/red/yellow peppers or spicy foods but likes curry.
• Decaf coffee, only. No alcohol.
• No grapefruit.
• Prefers mushy food.
• Dislikes soup and food swimming in liquid; not fond of meatloaf and foods that look like they’ve already been chewed.
• No crustaceans, red meat, or internal organs.
• Hypoglycemic.
• Nothing spicy. No beans. No fat. Has diverticulosis.
• Extreme, life-threatening allergy to shellfish, even if once in a pot that has since been washed.
• Barfs when she eats lamb. No lamb. NO LAMB EVER.
• No cream cheese.
• No salt in any cooked food.
• No seeds or nuts.
• No cottage cheese.
• Needs lactose-free milk. No yogurt, cottage or other cheese. Loves and eats ice cream.
• No pine nuts, macadamia nuts, Brazil nuts, and hazelnuts (ground almonds and peanuts in the shell are okay).
• Allergic to sprouts, raw carrots, celery, and the peel of most fruit.
• No dairy, no gluten.
• No salmon.
• Nothing fatty or spicy.
• No wheat or rice bread. Likes kamut bread.
One of my favorite people can’t eat dairy, eggs, meat, gluten, onions, leeks, peppers, olives, olive oil, raw apples and apple juice, sweet potatoes, flax seeds or flax oil, or garlic. She now brings and cooks her own food. Works for me …
© Nicole Parton, 2020
