Thirty-five days to Christmas: Never too soon to plan. Anonymous Mum and Anonymous Stepdad are celebrating at daughter X and son-in-law Y’s place for the first time. X and Y will cook dinner; sister Z will act as sous-chef. Partners V and W will also be there.
Have X, Y, and Z ever roasted a turkey? Anonymous Mum doubts it. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
V is vegan. Anonymous Mum’s irrational fear of veganism is vaguely connected to her irrational fear of gymnasiums. She’s also unsure if preparing gravy with poultry stock is the right or wrong thing to do.
At 7:30 am, Nov. 17, after a restless night of worry, Anonymous Mum emails X: “Anonymous Stepdad and I will buy the turkey and stick it in the freezer. There’ll be shortages this year, so we’ll have to move fast …”
(This will leave Anonymous Mum in a position to shoo everyone from the kitchen, as she’s always done. Her reasoning? Over decades of cooking, Anonymous Mum has encountered and conquered Freezer Burn! Oven Failure! Over-Cooking! Under-Cooking! Salmonella! Turkeys Dropped On the Floor! Miscellaneous Disasters! She secretly worries X, Y, Z, and T lack the fortitude to confront such challenges without dissolving into a puddle of tears.)
At 8:19 am, Nov. 17, X emails Anonymous Mum: “Leave it to us to buy the turkey. This will be a low-maintenance, easy meal. If you’d like to bring the stuffing, that would be fine.”
Anonymous Mum’s pork stuffing has always drawn raves. But what if Anonymous Mum were the last to know Y has converted to Judaism?
At 12:56 pm, Nov. 17, Anonymous Mum emails back: “$#&@!”
At 12:59 pm, Nov. 17, X emails: “Simplicity and ease are how we roll. This is a mellow, chill, easy Christmas dinner. ”
Anonymous Mum feels neither mellow nor chill.
At 1:04 pm, Nov. 17, she emails X that: “We can keep the turkey in our portable electric mini-fridge (the “Mobicooler”) on the way to your place. It (the Mobicooler; not the turkey) converts from AC to Car C. We can cook it (the turkey; not the Mobicooler) and the stuffing in your oven, and you can do the rest.
“I’ll bring my turkey pan, turkey lifter, turkey thermometer, carving knife, carving board, big platter, gravy whisker, foil, food storage bags, food recycling bags, and plastic garbage bags. Everything’s under control …”
At 2:27 pm Nov. 17, X emails: “We have everything we need, Anonymous Mum. Just bring the stuffing.”
Anonymous Mum broods over this.
At 4:03 pm Nov. 17, Anonymous Mum emails X: “Tip! If you decide to make mashed potatoes, do them early, put them in a slow cooker on ‘warm,’ and they’ll remain hot for several hours. I can lend you my large or small slow cooker. Personally, I’d use the small one, but I’ll bring both. There’s always a tendency to cook too many potatoes. Don’t overdo it.”
At 4:19 pm Nov. 17, X emails Anonymous Mum: “$#&@!”
At 4:26 pm Nov. 17, Anonymous Mum whinges to X: “I was only trying to help … Belts and suspenders: We have a counter-sized portable oven and a portable counter-top induction stove element, if you need them. There’s plenty of room in our deep freeze, so think twice about that turkey! Let me know your preferences (organic, free-range, vegan, keto, paleo, gluten-free, glutinous, or a supermarket bird dumb enough to have been born a turkey).
“We’re totally easy about the meal and are definitely not locked into turkey! You still don’t have a microwave? You’ll be saw-ree!!! Smart thinking: When you and I and Y and Z and V start cooking, let’s keep in touch by texting from kitchen to kitchen!”
X does not respond to Anonymous Mum’s email.
At 5:07 pm Nov. 17, Anonymous Mum anxiously emails X: “I’ll be happy to make the stuffing! Happy! Happy! Happy! You probably recall the superb stuffings of your childhood. I do make excellent stuffing!
“What kind should I make? My outstanding pork stuffing keeps the bird’s hoo-hah moist. I use a never-fail mathematical formula to make stuffing, and eat whatever doesn’t fit inside the bird. Should I make a vegan stuffing for V? What actually is veganism, anyway? Are deep-fried veggies vegan?”
X remains silent.
V is silent, too.
Shortly before bed, at 10:07 pm Nov. 17, Anonymous Mum emails X: “This is going to be the best Christmas dinner ever! Simplicity and ease are how we roll.”
© Nicole Parton, 2021
