May 20, 2019

The Time of Our Lives

The elephant came to town a long time ago. Barring some Vulcan memory wipe or creeping dementia, it was a time Ill never forget - a simpler time, a time of innocence, a time if and when an elephant might happen to come to town, easy-going parents would give their kids permission to climb on its back without worrying too much because: “Hey, this is the 50’s! The world is perfect, the skies are blue, jobs are plentiful, and opportunities abound! 

That aside, parents also wouldn’t worry too much because the elephant in question was a baby. A baby elephant is still capable of tossing off and stomping an obnoxious, gum-snapping kid, but this particular baby elephant had resignation in its eyes, perhaps from having given too many kids too many rides too many times over its young life. 

The elephant came to town in 1952. We didn’t own a TV, so it probably never occurred to my father that this particular elephant could bust its chains, kill a few kids, truncate the adults, and generally make a nuisance of itself. 

When the time came, my father shouted: “It’s time to see the elephant!Things were more relaxed in the 50’s, that time I jumped on the elephant’s back and my father smoked his pipe and talked about fishing with the sweaty, pimply-faced kid in charge of the elephant. 

That time I rode the elephant, no one worried too much because (as I
’ve just said) there wasn’t too much to worry about, this not being a rogue elephant with fire in its eyes. A rogue elephant would have risen up and trampled its obnoxious, whip-snapping owner, as rogue elephants usually did in 1950’s movies set in India. 

Those movie elephants gave the impression of giving as good as they got, but over time, they probably had resignation in their eyes, too.

From time to time, the pimply-faced kid in charge of the elephant turned to the kids and yelled:
“Stand back, kids! Stand back!” to show how Responsible and Careful he was, and then hed turn back to hear my father talk about the time he snagged two rainbow trout on a single hook ... “I had quite a time bringin’ ’em in,” he said. 

Meanwhile, the gazillion kids trying to scrabble aboard the elephant knew time
was a’wastin’, so they scrabbled even harder.

We kids had the time of our lives, even if the elephant didn
’t. As Charles Dickens wrote in A Tale of Two Cities: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...”

It was a three minute-walk from our house to the Home Oil gas station. On this day - the grand opening of that very same Home Oil gas station, the day before cars queued up to gas up - on this day the elephant went ’round and ’round the pumps as ever-more kids clamored for a ride. 

Whether that sad-eyed, gas-sniffing elephant is still alive, I don’t know. They say an elephant never forgets, and if this particular elephant survived those ignorant times, it may be wishing for the mercy of a Vulcan memory wipe, about now.

Although we lived just around the corner from the Home Oil gas station, my father never once filled the car there. My father was a pragmatist, and Bill (the Chevron attendant with whom I was secretly, passionately in love) always washed the windshield of my father’s car.  

What’s Home Oil going to do? Have an elephant squirt the windshield with water? Have an elephant fill the car with gas?” Those were logical questions. So much for that marketing promotion.

A few days ago, I returned to the place and the moment in time when I and a gazillion other screaming kids rode the elephant. The gas station is long gone, of course, as is the succession of structures and shops that over time took its place. 

And what, pray tell, sits on that spot today? A child riding a fish. My father would have liked that. What goes around, comes around, time after time.

© Nicole Parton, 2019



May 17, 2019

Hollywood Has Some Splainin’ to Do

What’s on my mind? Hollywood has some splainin’ to do.

Why is it when an actress changes her hairstyle using garden clippers and a home dye job, the result is always terrific? You and I trim one hair with barbers’ scissors, and face a major disaster.

Why is it that whether an actress is the chaser or the chase-e-e, she always wears a skirt and high heels? You and I schlep around in sneakers and shorts (“What are those warts on your knees?” “Those aren’t warts; they’re my boobs”), and have never been the chased or chase-e-e.

Why is it that an actress on the lam never carries a wallet but always has several changes of outfits? You and I carry a wallet, but have no new clothes because we waste our money on movies.

Why is it when an actress hero hot-wires a car, it starts right away? You and I hot-wire a car and nothing happens except that our hair gets frizzy.

Why is it when an actress tries to break into a password-protected computer, s/he always says: “I’m in!” after the third attempt? You and I forget our mothers’ maiden names and the bank lock us out and throws away the key.

Why is it when an actress dismantles a ticking time bomb, she always succeeds with one or two seconds to go? You and I dismantle a ticking time bomb and have to apologize for being stupid and provoking an argument.

Why is it that an actress never needs a bathroom break? You and I skip a bathroom break and see above re: Ticking Time Bombs.

Why is it when an actress always puts on her pierced earring in seconds? You and I take forever to get the post through the piercing. 

Why is it that an actress always find a handy bobby pin to pick a lock? I can’t get into my own house, and have to pay some dough-head $126 to slip a bump key into the latch. 

Why is it when an actress is tied to a chair or to the railroad tracks, her nail file busts her loose? You and I get trapped in a supermarket lineup and our lettuce is limp by the time we reach the cashier.

© Nicole Parton, 2019

May 14, 2019

I Tweet. Therefore, I Am.

To tweet, or not to tweet … That is the question. 

I do, but spend as little time as possible on Twitter. It’s not that I don’t like my fellow Twits. Having a social media presence on Facebook and Linked-In and on two blogs is quite enough for me, thank you. So adding Twitter to an already-busy life was not exactly something I embraced with joy, but something I had to do, the same way people “have to go” to cocktail parties.

When someone told me Facebook was “so yesterday,” I tried Instagram. But when I learned I couldn’t post without taking a photo downloaded from my phone, I said “Uh-uh.” 

Did you know it’s now possible to determine exactly when and where an online photo was taken with a cell phone, and from that information, to get the coordinates to locate you and that cell phone? I didn’t either, until I saw it in a documentary.

I deleted my Instagram account almost immediately after that. The instructions to create the account were hard and my brain is soft. I didn’t have the patience to take and download all those photos. Thus, I became a Twit.

Tweeting is a form of marketing. Just ask Donald Trump, who believes tweeting reinforces his “brand.” Imagine walking around  as a “brand” first and a person with a heart, soul, and conscience second! Imagine surrendering all or even a sliver of your privacy to be able to say: “Me! Me! Look at me-e-e!” 

Social media is “me”-focused: This is a selfie of me. This is a selfie of me and my boyfriend. This is a selfie of me and my wet hankie, after my boyfriend broke up with me. This is a selfie of me.

Social scientists have plenty to say about how social media has changed our outlook and culture. Let them yada-yada-yada about that. They’re qualified and I’m not, other than to state the obvious - that social media has positives and negatives. 

I’m guessing that - by isolating us - social media is a major cause of depression. I’m also guessing that - by uniting us through shared connections - social media is a major cause of happiness. And ... I’m guessing social media is addictive (“How many Likes has my post received?”), which is a no-brainer.

Addiction tends not to be a good thing. Those Likes are the reward pellets Mr. Rat receives for posting a baby animal photo or a yummy food photo or a this-was-me-25-pounds-and-10-years-ago photo. We all Like those photos. We could all use a whole lot more of them in our lives.

But hey! My mother used to pick up the phone when she wanted to connect with someone. She knew fast enough if someone “Liked” her or not. I’m a fan of social media, but rarely phone anyone. The world has changed. 

As for Twitter ... Why do I feel like a bird brain when I tweet? Is it because I feel like I’ve just stumbled into a cocktail party conversation without one clue what anyone’s talking about? Am I the only Twit wandering around cyberspace talking to people I don’t know, never will know, and whose names I’ve already forgotten? 

Here’s a not-untypical scenario. Let’s say I send a man “Like” because he’s posted photos of his good-looking puppy. Spoiler alert: Sometimes a puppy is just a puppy.

And let’s say this man acknowledges my “Like” by “Following” me ... Does this mean he’s a creepy stalker or does this mean he merely “Liked” my “Like”? Does etiquette require that I acknowledge his Follow with another Follow”?

I almost never Follow” anyone except literary agents or other writers, so I’m sure as heck not going to Follow” some dork with his puppy on display. I do the polite thing, which is to Follow” him for a day or two before quietly dropping him.

This is The Compleat Idiot’s Guide to Twitter. It’s actually The Incompleat Idiot’s Guide to Twitter. As usually happens to me at cocktail parties, I have no idea what more to say. Besides, the light’s perfect just now … I want to take a selfie.

© Nicole Parton, 2019

May 10, 2019

Rabbit, Redux*

What’s on my mind? Once more, with feeling: Let’s hear it for the rabbits of our island village! 

The largest of three bunnies in our garden.

It’s Spring - their favorite season - celebrated not only through their (F-word to follow) fecundity, but by the spring in their step. Like the swallows of Capistrano, the rabbits return each year. In fur coats. Not feathers.

Now you see ’em, now you don’t. There goes one! Bouncing idiotically across gardens, jumping out from every bush in a doltish game of peek-a-boo, leaping in front of dazed seniors with the cheek to show them their bum (the rabbits, not the seniors) ... There goes another! 

Foolish, impudent morons that they are, the rabbits of this village-that-pretends-to-be-a town have the effrontery to chew tulip shoots and anything else that looks tasty while waiting for the carrots, lettuce, beet tops, and other delectables that are their preferred main course. 

(Our neighbor, Mrs. H, passes along this easy household tip to keep rabbits from your garden: Spread a trail of rabbit pellets from the edge of your garden into a nearby park: “That should do it!” she says. Thank you, Mrs. H! We look forward to more of your handy hints at some future time.)

They’re fierce little things, these rabbits. I wouldn’t want to corner one: My stubby fingers look too much like carrots. 

There was the infamous year an island grade-school class decided to sell bunnies as a fundraiser. Unbeknownst to their teacher, the conniving older kids had somehow corralled and penned a passel of wild rabbits, which they sold to the sweetly innocent children of the lower grades. 

When the innocents sought a cuddle, the newly unpenned biters sank vicious, rabbitty incisors into tender young flesh. The wails of small children erupted throughout the village. It was as close to a scandal as our community gets. 

Wounds were bound; money was refunded; rabbits were released to do what rabbits do (which is to say, engage in the F-word and sack private gardens). Peace eventually returned to the village, but the rabbits have been uppity ever since, so much so that one of them is running for mayor. 

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, I always say. And yes, you may steal that phrase. 

In the spirit of bite-free fundraising, I propose a WEAR YOUR RABBIT EARS TO WORK DAY. How about a BUNNY BOUNCE country dance, or a RABBIT ROMP seniors’ sex emporium? (I already know what you’re going to say. Stifle.)

I can envision men’s T-shirts reading BUNNY POWER! and women’s T-shirts with BOUNCE! across the chest. 

Uh … Maybe not women’s T-shirts with BOUNCE! across the chest. This a seniors’ community. FLOP! probably makes more sense. 

© Nicole Parton, 2019

* With apologies to the late, great John Updike, for swiping the name of his novel.

May 7, 2019

Rabbit, Run*

Whats on my mind? Bugs. As in Bunny. Three days ago, when a bunny the size of a softball squeezed into the Fortress, we took swift, decisive action. 

The Fortress is our highly secure back garden. It’s where we keep the “good stuff” - the tender-petaled flowers and delicate shrubs rabbits can’t resist. The tougher, less appealing, but still-pretty plants live in our unfenced front garden.

It was early morning when the bunny busted into the Fortress. We were in our dressing gowns. We didn’t know when or how she got in, but Himself strategized her eviction with the precision of a military general. This was war.

She shot us an insouciant look as she ripped and chewed clumps of the newly seeded grass Himself had nurtured with pride. (Please, God, don’t let this bunny be a she. She looks 10 days old, which means she’s probably pregnant with octuplets.)

Grabbing a broom, Himself opened the glass door leading into the garden. As he’d anticipated, the bunny bolted behind the shed. A quick defensive tactic. Not good. 

Himself opened the back gate. He told me to whip off my dressing gown, ordering me to spread it wider than a toreador’s cape as he poked a broom behind the shed.

I don’t have a military mind, but I didn’t like the idea of putting my privates on public display.

“I don’t want to take off my dwessing gown,” I mew-mew-mewled, but Himself insisted. 

This is our one chance for me to force the enemy through the open gate and out of the garden! he barked. 

So I did and he did and the bunny did. Which was how a military general and a woman wearing nothing but a bra forced a probably-pregnant and about-to-give-birth bunny from their garden.

Yesterday, a bunny the size of a tennis ball turned up in the Fortress. With a je ne c’est quoi look, it calmly began chewing the newest and most delicate shoots in the back garden. The broom, the military general, and the naked woman prevailed.

This morning, as a bunny the size of a ping pong ball happily feasted inside the Fortress, Himself spied others slipping through a hole newly dug under the fence. 

“Rabbits taking cover in a foxhole!” he said. 

Yes, suh! Giving him the one-finger salute, I repeated my role in our defensive maneuver, but this time without (as the old saying goes) so much as a stitch. I have a feeling we’ve won the battle but Bugs will win the war.

The downside is that I’ve been running through the Fortress starkers. The upside is that by the time Spring morphs into Summer, I’m going to have one hell of a tan.

© Nicole Parton, 2019

With apologies to the late, great John Updike, for swiping the name of his novel.

May 2, 2019

Love Takes Flight

What’s on my mind? Small towns are not exempt from the dangers of an increasingly dangerous world

Vigilance is paramount. Hazards abound - even on the tranquil island we call home. Oh, sure ... The place seems safe enough. Our village (that pretends to be a town) has a single traffic light. Parking is free. The shops are shuttered by 6. The streets are empty by 8. Behind that guise of serenity, peril lurks.

Casual visitors never see the dark underbelly of this place. Locals risk getting bonked (if you’ll excuse the expression) by a falling screw (ditto) from the four-level retirement home now under construction. 

Quail run around, wild-eyed and unfettered. Deer munch gardens and hedges, unrestrained. Rabbits - don’t even start me on the rabbits. Let’s just say they’ve never been chew-chew trained. 

Long ago, in a land far, far away, I worked for a Big City newspaper. Today, I loaf around (half a loaf is better than none) drooling and staring into space. The point? A reader once phoned with a bit of advice I’ll never forget: Stop shooting at pigeons ... There are eagles in the sky! On several levels, he was right then and is right, today.

Bald eagles ride the hot air above our villages town hall. Formidable, strong, heavy birds, theyre quick to swoop and quick to snatch their prey (salmon, toy poodles, elderly aunts queued up for a space in the retirement home), flying off before anyone can stop them. 

In this calm, quiet little village of masked menaces and threats, something shocking occurred last weekA wildlife photographer was innocently snapping shots of dozens of eagles when what should happen? Have patience and I’ll tell you. 

The photographer described the birds as in a “mating frenzy.” In the strictly scientific, ornithological terms with which I am familiar, they were bonking and screwing in the sky.  

As the photographer explained it: “They’re looking for mates for life. They will lock their talons ... It’s all about trust. They trust each other to let go before they hit the ground.” She described this cartwheeling as a mating ritual similar to a wedding ceremony. 

She watched two of the many eagles cartwheel, cartwheel, cartwheel ... Locked in love, neither let go. Diving, dropping, hurtling to earth, serious injury was likely; death, likelier. So where did they land? Right in the photographer’s lap. 

She screamed. They scratched. She fled. They flew. 

If you’ve ever considered visiting a quiet little island in the Salish Sea, fuhgeddaboudit. This place is far too dangerous.

© Nicole Parton, 2019

May 1, 2019

If the Shoe Fits

What’s on my mind? I once bought a pair of purple faux-alligator shoes on sale at one of the best department stores in Dallas, TX. The price had been slashed many times. By the time I bought them, they were $39. 

I guess no one wanted narrow-width, size 5-1/2 purple faux-alligator shoes. Although my feet are a wide size 8, I bought those shoes because the inner soles (also purple) bore a fancy gold script that read NEIMAN MARCUS. 

I tried to squash my feet into those shoes many times, irrationally hoping they’d fit. They never did.

Some relationships are just like those shoes. They may look great, but - as much as you’d like them to be - they’re not a good fit. I’m happy to say that while those shoes weren’t for me, my relationship is and has been for years. 

Does your relationship feel comfortable? Sometimes, a cozy pair of slippers feels a whole lot better and more genuine than a good-looking but useless pair of purple faux-alligator shoes. Think about it.


© Nicole Parton, 2019

April 28, 2019

The Moving Finger Writes, and Having Writ, Moves On

I recently came across some poor sot’s plea for tips on how to condense her book into the one short paragraph some agents demand. I was once that sot. After each day of trying, I’d leave my laptop for a little scotch and a big cry. I did this for a month. What I eventually did was imagine my 90,000-word novel on the inside of a dust jacket. Woo-hoo! 56 words.

Then I thought about myself – you know, the stuff where authors write third-person descriptions of their glamorous lives. Example: Suzy Schmerringer divides her time between homes in San Francisco and Nantucket. Suzy and her cocker-doodle-schnitzel-terrier, Bo, enjoy long walks on exotic beaches. Woo-hoo! 26 words.

Then I thought: Gee … Maybe an agent would find this too wordy. So I eliminated the part about Bo (who, to be honest, died 16 years ago and never set foot on an exotic beach because of a teensy-weensy bowel issue I won’t get into here, but ask your vet about parasites in cocker-doodle-schnitzel-terriers).

And then I again thought: Gee … Maybe 26 words about my book is also too wordy. So I polished and pared and perfected the description of my book to just one word: The.

© Nicole Parton, 2019

April 24, 2019

The Power of the Pen

Whats on my mind? Theres an unfenced hay field not far from our house. Deer used to wander all over that field. It was their buffet; it was their bed; it was their special spot to poop-poop-a-doo. 

The owner stuck a sizeable sign in the field. It looks scrawled - even crayoned. Nothing fancy. It reads: 

NO TRESPASSING.
HAY FIELD. 

Y know ... I haven’t seen a dear hit that hay field since. Whoever the owner of that field is, Id like him or her to make a sign for our garden, too.

© Nicole Parton, 2019

April 23, 2019

“That’s! Kirk! Douglas!”

What’s on my mind? I’m about to use too many exclamation marks and italics. Hey! I’m an excitable woman! Besides, when you write about acting legend Kirk Douglas, the exclamations and italics tend to overflow.
Kirk Douglas celebrated his 102nd 
birthday last December.  
Anne Buydens, his wife of 64 years, is 100 years old, today. The couple’s 65th wedding anniversary is just five weeks away. And yes, that is a lot of numbers! 

I met Kirk and Anne in 2001, in a retro Palm Springs piano bar called Melvyn’s. That sounds chi-chi, as though we were old pals. We weren’t even new pals. Kirk Douglas had never clapped eyes on me before.

At the time, I had no idea of Melvyn’s history as a Hollywood hangout for the likes of Liz Taylor, Clark Gable, Frank Sinatra, Dinah Shore, and numerous other celebs. 

Together with my former husband, He Who Shall Not Be Named, I dropped by Melvyn’s because I liked the look of the place, lit as it was by thousands of tiny white lights on its roof-line and in the surrounding palms. I’m a sucker for tiny white lights and palms. Name one woman who isn’t and I’ll show you a liar. 

(Women go nuts when we see white lights. We assume we’ve died and gone to heaven, all those years of self-sacrificing having finally paid off.) 

Melvyn’s is a long, narrow room resembling an opulent train. The engine at the top of the room is the piano; anyone who wants to see and hear the lounge singer sits there looking cool ... an old-fashioned word for an old-fashioned, Old Hollywood, place. 

“One drink,” HWSNBN said. We took a seat near the pianist, who seamlessly segued from one equally old show tune to the next. Suddenly HWSNBN leaned into me, whispering: “There’s Kirk Douglas …” 

HWSNBN had been spotting celebrities left and right for the two or three days we’d been in Palm Springs. His so-called “celebrity sightings” were hilariously incorrect. 

Because of that, I sloughed him off with a disbelieving “Yeah, yeah …” and continued to focus on the pianist. Sipping my drink, I raised my eyes to the couple sitting opposite us. Clutching HWSNBN’s arm in a vice-grip, I hissed: “That’s! Kirk! Douglas!”

“I’ve already told you that,” he said. 

It! Really! Is! I rasped. “Do! Not! Make! Eye! Contact! Do! Not! Look! At! Him!” 

“I’m not looking,” he said, downing his drink. “Time to go!” 

When HWSNBN said “one drink,” he meant “one drink” - for him. I’d barely begun sipping mine. 

As HWSNBN sauntered down Melvyns long, thin train of Hollywood history, he made the ridiculous assumption that I was following. 

From the top of the room, I saw a doorman in gold epaulettes bow to show him out. (GOLD EPAULETTES! Only doormen at Melvyn’s and parade drum bangers wear GOLD EPAULETTES!) HWSNBN reciprocated in kind, gesturing for me to exit first. His gesture met empty air. 

What HWSNBN saw down the long hallway that is Melvyns was his star-struck wife, kneeling before Kirk Douglas like a novitiate, clutching his hand.

I, on the other hand, saw HWSNBN’s retreating backside as an opportunity to meet Kirk Douglas. Bounding to the spot Kirk and Anne occupied, I ignored my fast-growing suspicion that - other than the 1950s Photoplay magazines my mother used to read - the sum total of my Kirk Douglas Information Directory was zip n zero. 

Nor did it matter that I’d seen only one of Kirks more than 80 films. In the one I saw, he rode a horse and wore chainmail and a breast plate. Good enough.

I had no idea Kirk Douglas ranked 17th on the American Film Institute’s list of the greatest American male screen legends of all time. All I knew was that I was in the presence of an actor famous enough to have been in Photoplay, and that he’d been sitting directly opposite us. This, I reasoned, was an open invitation to tell him how much I loved and admired him and had seen every single movie he’d ever made. Sorta. 

By this time, HWSNBN was rapidly advancing with lips like a wire and a face that suggested he wasn’t pleased to find me kneeling at Kirk Douglas’ lap. It could have been worse. I could have been sitting on his lap. It could have been much, much worse, but his wife was there and Kirk is old and honey, lets not go there.

I lisp when I get nervous, so at the very moment HWSNBN tried to extract me, I was stroking Kirk Douglas’s soft, marshmallow hand, fawning: “Ohhh, Mither Douglath, I loved you in Ben Hur!” Kirk looked chagrined. I’d forgotten Charlton Heston starred in Ben Hur. Seen one breast plate, seen ’em all.

It was obvious even to me that Kirk Douglas had had enough.

Although he was still recovering from the effects of the stroke that had impaired his speech, he managed to choke out the words: “Where ya from, dear?” 

“Vang-coo-ver,” I said, continuing to kneel in adoration. 

Extricating himself from my iron grip, he patted my hand dismissively, saying: “Well, you just have a re-e-al nice time.”

HWSNBN was steamed. I recall his exact words as he hustled me out the door: “One drink! One! Too many!”

© Nicole Parton, 2019