If you want to know how to give a knock-down, drag-’em-out birthday party, talk to Jerry. What? You don’t know Jerry? Everyone knows Jerry ... He turned 90, the other day. Imagine that! Ninety! With skin as smooth and unwrinkled as a baby’s bottom.
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| Right: Film star Robert De Niro (aka Jerry Soon), wife Hazel. Left: Greg, Stephanie, April. |
I’ve been known to put my foot in it, which I guess I did when I saw Jerry looking totally amazing and screamed: “Jerry, Jerry! You’ve had plas-tic sur-ger-y!” I probably said it too loudly, because a few people swiveled and craned their necks to see.
Caught in the crosshairs, Jerry had no choice but to say: “Maybe just the eyes.” He got a little miffed at the memory. “My doctor did the right eye, but a student did the left. It doesn’t look as good as the right one and it closes late in the afternoon and I can’t get it open. I complained to the doctor and all he said was that if I came back, he’d put in another stitch. Another stitch ...!”
Jerry sounded disgusted. So would I. Jerry now wears thick dark glasses that make him look like Robert De Niro. It’s remarkable for a man who’s 90 to look like a movie star. Things could be worse. The star could be Lady Gaga.
Jerry’s knock-down, drag-’em-out party? I don’t mean to imply guests were banged around and taken away. It’s just that so much happened at Jerry’s party! You may have noticed I haven’t said a word about Jerry’s family or where Jerry lives or where the party was held.
If I named Hazel, Jerry’s wife of 64 years, or his grown kids, Stephanie, Gregg, and April, or the name of the Burnaby, BC, Chinese restaurant where happy chaos reigned, the Soon family would probably moi-duh me.
If I told you I encountered an elegant older woman with a cloud of silvery-blue hair and also-perfect skin, and that I screamed over the noise of the crowd: “You must be Jerry’s MO-THER!” you probably wouldn’t believe me. Unfortunately, it’s true. God only knows why I said that elegant woman must be a 90-year-old man’s mother, but I did.
And then, in my embarrassment as that same woman glared at me, I screamed to the woman beside her: “I guess she doesn’t speak English!” upon which the woman beside the glaring one calmly said: “She speaks English very well.” Through the floor, I wanted to go, wearing an invisibility cloak.
Every time one of Jerry and Hazel’s kids rose to speak about their Dad, Jerry said: “I didn’t know this was a ROAST!” Every time.
Dave Gray, Jerry’s retired doctor, rose to say a few words about Jerry. “I didn’t know this was a ROAST!” said Jerry, in mock indignation.
April had ordered a Black Forest cake for 100, but when she went to pick it up the day of the party ... No cake! The baker got the dates mixed up, but with a lot of shock and tension on both their parts, produced.
“I didn’t know this was a ROAST!” Jerry said, again.
In thanking each guest, Jerry passed along a few words of 90th birthday wisdom:
Nine decades of memories.
1,080 months of happiness.
4,680 weeks of wonder.
32,873 days of wisdom.
788,952 hours of laughter.
47,337,120 minutes of love.
Three wonderful children.
Three awesome grandchildren
One loving marriage and an amazing life!
Ah, that Jerry! What a guy! Too bad his mother doesn’t like me.
© Nicole Parton, 2019
Caught in the crosshairs, Jerry had no choice but to say: “Maybe just the eyes.” He got a little miffed at the memory. “My doctor did the right eye, but a student did the left. It doesn’t look as good as the right one and it closes late in the afternoon and I can’t get it open. I complained to the doctor and all he said was that if I came back, he’d put in another stitch. Another stitch ...!”
Jerry sounded disgusted. So would I. Jerry now wears thick dark glasses that make him look like Robert De Niro. It’s remarkable for a man who’s 90 to look like a movie star. Things could be worse. The star could be Lady Gaga.
Jerry’s knock-down, drag-’em-out party? I don’t mean to imply guests were banged around and taken away. It’s just that so much happened at Jerry’s party! You may have noticed I haven’t said a word about Jerry’s family or where Jerry lives or where the party was held.
If I named Hazel, Jerry’s wife of 64 years, or his grown kids, Stephanie, Gregg, and April, or the name of the Burnaby, BC, Chinese restaurant where happy chaos reigned, the Soon family would probably moi-duh me.
If I told you I encountered an elegant older woman with a cloud of silvery-blue hair and also-perfect skin, and that I screamed over the noise of the crowd: “You must be Jerry’s MO-THER!” you probably wouldn’t believe me. Unfortunately, it’s true. God only knows why I said that elegant woman must be a 90-year-old man’s mother, but I did.
And then, in my embarrassment as that same woman glared at me, I screamed to the woman beside her: “I guess she doesn’t speak English!” upon which the woman beside the glaring one calmly said: “She speaks English very well.” Through the floor, I wanted to go, wearing an invisibility cloak.
Every time one of Jerry and Hazel’s kids rose to speak about their Dad, Jerry said: “I didn’t know this was a ROAST!” Every time.
Dave Gray, Jerry’s retired doctor, rose to say a few words about Jerry. “I didn’t know this was a ROAST!” said Jerry, in mock indignation.
April had ordered a Black Forest cake for 100, but when she went to pick it up the day of the party ... No cake! The baker got the dates mixed up, but with a lot of shock and tension on both their parts, produced.
“I didn’t know this was a ROAST!” Jerry said, again.
In thanking each guest, Jerry passed along a few words of 90th birthday wisdom:
Nine decades of memories.
1,080 months of happiness.
4,680 weeks of wonder.
32,873 days of wisdom.
788,952 hours of laughter.
47,337,120 minutes of love.
Three wonderful children.
Three awesome grandchildren
One loving marriage and an amazing life!
Ah, that Jerry! What a guy! Too bad his mother doesn’t like me.
© Nicole Parton, 2019
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