Lesson #7 to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19

I’ve saved the best for last. 

Lesson #7 is a little reminder to wear personal protective equipment such as gloves and masks. And ahhh, don’t try this in the supermarket -  or anywhere else you shop.

Part of the ongoing challenge of COVID-19 is battling the heartache, sadness, and fear it presents. Try to smile through the tears. Smiles help us heal. xox Nicole

Lesson #6 to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19

We began with social distancing, but its importance cannot be understated. And so I'll say it again. 

Lesson #6: Keep your distance! You stand back ... and I’ll stand back! There will be tragic losses. But most of us will get through the coronavirus separated - and together. 

Lesson #5 to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19

Another important basic to protect yourself and your loved ones against the coronavirus. 

Lesson #5: Wash up. And keep it up. Long after this virus ends.

Lesson #4 to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19

More advice to protect yourself and others against the coronavirus. 

Lesson #4: Be prepared. Don’t hoard, but don’t run out, either. This lesson comes with a bad language alert. Sorry about that!

Lesson #3 to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19

More tongue-in-cheek lessons to protect yourself and others against COVID-19. Why worry? President Trump wants to see packed pews by Easter. He advises everyone to return to work. “I think it will be a beautiful time,” he says.

PS: If this offends you, I apologize.

Lesson #3: Pray.

Lesson #2 to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19

This brief series is a continuation of lessons to protect yourself and others against COVID-19. 

Lesson #2: Cover up! Nuff said about that.

Lesson #1 to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19

If you’ve already cried buckets, perhaps you’ll smile at this stress-reliever. Over the next few days, I’ll impart a few light lessons on arming yourself against COVID-19. 

Lesson #1: Social Distancing. This time-tested technique works well to disperse a crowd.


 

Tomorrow: Lesson #2: Cover up! 

Nine Days of COVID-19 in Donald Trump’s Surreal America

What’s on my mind? Nine days of COVID-19 in the land of the free and the home of the brave. The US now has the third-highest number of confirmed cases in the world. Globally, there are now 467,000 confirmed cases.

On the federal government's and his own virus missteps, President Donald J. Trump declared: “I don’t take responsibility at all.” - MSNBC, March 16, 2020

On his response to the coronavirus, Trump said: “I’d rate it a 10.” - Huffpost, March 16, 2020

On how he views himself v. COVID-19: “I’m a wartime president. It’s a war.” - BBC, March 18, 2020

On his responsibility to arm governors with the critical equipment and potentially life-saving supplies their states need to fight the coronavirus pandemic, Trump replied that the federal government is “not a shipping clerk.” - Politico, March 19, 2020

More than 52,976 people in the United States have now tested positive for the novel coronavirus. More than 163 deaths from COVID-19 were reported in the United States today, making this the deadliest day in the US since the coronavirus pandemic began. - Summary from CNN, March 24, 2020

“New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo begged the Trump administration on Tuesday for more ventilators, warning that the peak of the coronavirus could hit the state in 14 days. Cuomo said the state needs at least 30,000 of the breathing machines to care for the influx of coronavirus patients that is expected to hit New York in two weeks. So far, the state has procured 7,000, but has only received 400 from the federal government.”- The Hill, March 24, 2020 

“Doctors, nurses and other frontline health workers in the coronavirus crisis are faced with a critical lack of personal protective equipment and have taken to begging for equipment online … The shortages have been devastating. Seamstresses have been asked to make masks for hospital workers. As one hospital’s equipment supply diminished, one anesthesiologist wore a plastic bag over his head during a procedure. Construction companies have been asked to donate existing supplies of respirator masks.”- The Guardian, March 24, 2020 

“Am I strong in my language vis à vis the federal government? Yes, I am ... How can you be in a situation where (people are) possibly dying because they can’t get a ventilator, but a federal agency is saying, ‘I’m going to leave the ventilators in the stockpile.’ Have we really come to that point? 

“The Federal Emergency Management Agency is sending the state 400 ventilators. Four hundred ventilators? I need 30,000 ventilators. You want a pat on the back for sending 400 ventilators?” - New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo, daily press briefing, PCSP TV, March 24, 2020

“KUOW is monitoring White House briefings for the latest news on the coronavirus - and we will continue to share all news relevant to Washington State with our listeners. However, we will not be airing the briefings live due to a pattern of false or misleading information provided, that cannot be fact-checked in real time.” - KUOW Public Radio, Washington, DC, March 24, 2020

“I would love to have the country opened up and raring to go by Easter … You’ll have packed churches all over our country. I think it will be a beautiful time.” - President Donald J. Trump, Fox News Virtual Town Hall, March 24, 2020

“It’s a two-way street. They have to treat us well. They can’t say, ‘Oh, gee, we should get this, we should get that.’” - Donald Trump during Fox News’ virtual town hall, stating he’ll help Democrat governors struggling to contain coronavirus outbreaks - but only if they stop criticizing him, March 25, 2020

“If we don’t get more funding from the feds, I don’t know how we write the budget … I know the politics of ‘play nice and don’t put any pressure on any other elected official’ ... (If) you don’t play nice in the sandbox … they’ll say you have sharp elbows. This is not a time to play nice in the sandbox.

“If you are hurting the people of the state, I’m going to fight for the people of New York to the best of my ability. We need more federal help …” - New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo, daily press briefing, PCSP TV, March 25, 2020

“Some very smart people have suggested that the coronavirus briefings should come from the CDC or the Department of Health and Human services - with public health experts, doctors, and other public officials giving scientifically accurate information to the press and the American people ... 

“Trump has to do the briefings. Because he won’t be able to hold a rally for months. He’s an egomaniac. A charlatan who needs an audience to get his juices going.

“And so, we have this spectacle now - three, four, five times a week. What will Trump do today? Take credit for some positive development? Of course. Blow up at a ‘nasty’ reporter? Good chance. Give out a piece of dangerously irresponsible information?  You bet.” - The Al Franken Newsletter, alfranken.com, March 25, 2020

“The LameStream Media is the dominant force in trying to get me to keep our Country closed as long as possible in the hope that it will be detrimental to my election success. The real people want to get back to work ASAP. We will be stronger than ever before!”- Twitter account of @realDonaldTrump, March 25, 2020, 4:45 pm EST

“New York City hospital sets up makeshift morgues to prepare for coronavirus deaths.” - CNN, March 25, 2020

More than 65,778 people in the United States have now tested positive for the novel coronavirus. The country reported more than 200 COVID-19 deaths today - a new high for single-day fatalities. To date, the US has had at least 544 deaths from the virus - 40% of them, New Yorkers. - Summary from CNN, March 25, 2020

The Importance of Saying Thank You

What’s on my mind? Merci! 謝謝!Danke! Obrigado! شكرا لكم! Grazie! Thank you, to everyone, everywhere, battling the common enemy of COVID-19.

Thank you to the health workers fighting to save lives. Thank you to the shelf-stockers. Thank you to the assembly-manufacturer-order-delivery people. Thank you, creative artists, for the works that inspire and engage us. Thank you to the virtual hand-holders - whether on the phone, through social media, by screen sharing, or by email. 

Thank you, distributors of blessings and prayers for the weak, tired and strong, whether for people of faith or of no faith. Thank you to all who accept your neighbors and friends as they are, while at the same time, having the good sense to dismiss what the grifters and grabbers are selling. Thank you for using your critical thinking skills to objectively assess how erratic, unstable leaders have lifted you up or put you down.  

Thank you for the leadership you’re showing, and for your willingness to follow when it’s important to do so. Thank you for considering how you might help make the world a safer, happier, less fearful place for all.

Thank you for the respect you’re showing by washing your hands, physical distancing, and self-isolating. Thank you for considering others’ needs and wants, while focussing less on your own. Thank you for looking after your family, pets, and other animals.

Thank you for telling those you love and respect how much they mean to you. Thank you for the brave face you’ve shown while keeping your temper and tears in check. Thank you to the many, many people who are doing their best under difficult circustances. 

This pandemic will get worse before it gets better. But be certain it will get better. For every breath you take, give thanks. 

© Nicole Parton, 2020

Stay Calm and Carry On

What’s on my mind? COVID-19, of course. Here’s Neil Diamond, who’s revamped the ever-popular Sweet Caroline to fit the times:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPLgsV_Ms3Q

And here’s the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump: 

Stay well - Nicole

An Oath in Blood

As a young mother who cooked, sewed, had a job, and three kids born in 1971, I was over-the-top busy and keen to provide my children with educational experiences. When the Oscar-winning Chariots of Fire came to the video store, I dashed out to rent it, thinking the movie would be yet another educational experience.

The movie was an educational experience, all right: Little did I know the video store had the caveman pic Quest for Fire on the same shelf as Chariots of Fire. Grabbing what I thought was Chariots, I plunked my six-year-olds in front of the TV and exited, stage righteous.

Assuming the grunting I heard was the exhaustion of the runners in the movie, I looked in to find my kids on the carpet, propped up on their elbows, fixated on the TV. Even the dog was engrossed in the movie.

I entered the living room just as the Neanderthal men - covered in nothing but mud - began buggering the women washing their exposed privates at the river. Shrieking, I jumped over kids and dog to stop the movie. The buggery scene (aka the “river scene”) is so graphic YouTube won’t let anyone see it unless they sign an oath in blood swearing they’re over 21. 

The “river scene” has been forever seared into the memories of my now-middle-aged kids. Never the same after that movie, the dog had to be neutered.

© Nicole Parton, 2020

What Foods These Morsels Be

What’s on my mind? Food. Himself and I have peanut-butter breath, consider bacon a food group, and use gluten facial scrubs. We’re omnivorous, but no one else seems to be.

I’ve kept notes on guests’ food sensitivities for years. If you don’t like it, we won’t serve it. We routinely ask the “food sensitivities” question when we extend an invitation.

A year ago, we had a small dinner party to which a very nice woman almost didn’t come. “I can’t eat anything!” she said. Which was odd, because she wasn’t exactly thin.

“Tell me what you can eat, and I’ll make it,” I said.

“Just a few steamed vegetables with nothing on them. I’m allergic to everything else.”

So that’s exactly what I served her. She spent the evening picking food from her husband’s plate - and eating half his dessert.

I once gave a buffet dinner party for a group of hungry university students. One announced she was vegan. I knocked myself out to cook food she could eat, labeling each vegan dish with a prominent V. When the dinner bell rang, the students stampeded to the table - and the vegan stopped in her tracks.

“Everything looks so good I’ll forget about being vegan tonight!” And dived right in. Which didn’t really matter because the non-vegans ate the vegan stuff, too.

That was 25 years ago, when the world was younger and life was simpler. Now that we and most of the people we know are old, life is more complicated.

Last year, when Himself did the cooking for a dinner party, he forgot to ask a woman he’d invited the all-important “food sensitivities” question. What happened will forever be seared into our memories.

As Himself placed the dish before her, her mouth turned down and she pushed the plate as far as she could shove it. In a very loud voice, she said: “I’m not eating that!” And didn’t. Her husband had two servings and loved every morsel.

With no names given, here are my notes on what some of our guests can’t/won’t eat. This isn’t a whimsical listing. It’s true:

• No cheese. 

• Little sugar, low fat, small portions. Diabetic.

• Lactose intolerant. Likes almond milk. Can’t take much fat; has gluten issues. 

• Cannot eat green/red/yellow peppers or spicy foods but likes curry. 

• Decaf coffee, only. No alcohol.

• No grapefruit. 

• Prefers mushy food. 

• Dislikes soup and food swimming in liquid; not fond of meatloaf and foods that look like they’ve already been chewed.

• No crustaceans, red meat, or internal organs.

• Hypoglycemic.

• Nothing spicy. No beans. No fat. Has diverticulosis.

• Extreme, life-threatening allergy to shellfish, even if once in a pot that has since been washed.

• Barfs when she eats lamb. No lamb. NO LAMB EVER.

• No cream cheese.

• No salt in any cooked food. 

• No seeds or nuts.

• No cottage cheese.

• Needs lactose-free milk. No yogurt, cottage or other cheese.  Loves and eats ice cream.

• No pine nuts, macadamia nuts, Brazil nuts, and hazelnuts (ground almonds and peanuts in the shell are okay).

• Allergic to sprouts, raw carrots, celery, and the peel of most fruit.

• No dairy, no gluten.

• No salmon.

• Nothing fatty or spicy.

• No wheat or rice bread. Likes kamut bread.

One of my favorite people can’t eat dairy, eggs, meat, gluten, onions, leeks, peppers, olives, olive oil, raw apples and apple juice, sweet potatoes, flax seeds or flax oil, or garlic. She now brings and cooks her own food. Works for me …

© Nicole Parton, 2020

Button It, Babe!

What’s on my mind? Button, button, who’s got the button?

I was sitting in a public bathroom stall when - POP! - the button of my beige slacks flew off. I should have stitched and tightened that button months ago, but didn’t. 

Instead, I let it dangle precariously from my waistband, looser than a desperate divorcée on Tinder. It was only a matter of time until the inevitable, which was now. 

I quite liked that button. Although I hadn’t seen it escape, I’d heard it bounce on the floor. It was quick, but I was almost as quick. Palm flat, fingers extended, I reached under the adjacent cubicle to SLAP! catch it on its second bounce.

Aside from the button, all I saw in that cubicle were two fat ankles. I said nothing; she said nothing - but I heard a little gasp. Swiftly withdrawing my hand, I clutched the button tightly. To the victor go the spoils. 

On returning home, the first thing on my agenda was to sew back the button. Removing my slacks and threading a needle, I found the exact place the button belonged on my waistband. Except that my button was still there, defying gravity and time, dangling loosely in the breeze. 

I hadn’t lost my button. Whoever owned those ankles, she had. 

©  Nicole Parton, 2020

We Shall Overcome

What's on my mind? Dreams. 

Dream Fact # 1: This morning, I dreamed I organized a protest rally against US President Donald Trump. No specific policy, no specific comment, but Trump. Period, full stop.

Dream Fact # 2: The rally was scheduled to take place in our garage. Our garage is dark, cold and grungy. Despite that, I expected all our neighbors to come. 

Dream Fact # 3: I do not sing or play the guitar, yet visualized myself as Joan Baez - a crusader around which our neighbors would cluster with raised fists that suggested they wanted to Do Something to express our shared dislike of Trump. 

Dream Fact # 4: Himself likes my hair long. I’d rather wear it short, but keep it long-ish for him. I look like a fat folk singer. 

In my dream, I ran around affixing posters to neighborhood lamp standards. They read: TRUMP PROTEST RALLY! FOLK SINGER! BE THERE! 

I realized I’d forgotten to note the date and time, so ran around again, adding FRIDAY, 7 PM! to the original poster.

Our neighbors are elderly. I ran around a third time, changing 7 to 4:30. 

Our neighbors are not activists. The only thing they protest are pooches pooping on their lawns and the never-saw-a-thing excuse of their owners. 

I ran around again, scribbling the enticement of FOOD! on the poster. I didn't tell our neighbors the FOOD! would be sandwiches made with Miracle Whip and Kraft cheese slices.

Our garage is freezing. I ran around once more, this time adding WINE! to the poster. 

Our garage has lousy acoustics. I ran around one last time, penning: PORTABLE MIC WANTED! And: BRING FOLDING CHAIRS! And: WEAR WARM JACKETS! And: EXCELLENT preceding the words FOLK SINGER. And then raced home to make those sandwiches for the overflow crowd that would soon squeeze into our garage.

No one came. 

My hair hung in strings, which made Himself happy because they were long-ish strings.

Standing on a wobbly chair, pumping my fist into the ether, I shouted protest clichés and sang We Shall Overcome as Himself whistled and clapped, egging me on. 

Himself and I drank the wine. And ate some of the sandwiches. And froze in our dark, cold, grungy garage. 

We wrapped it up at 5, closing the garage door and going home - which is to say, stepping from the garage directly into the laundry room of our house.

Despite my imaginary protest rally, Donald Trump is still in power. Despite the plaudits it might bring, I still don’t sing or play the guitar. And, despite my long-ish hair, I still look nothing like Joan Baez.

©  Nicole Parton, 2020

Sailing into the Sunset

What’s on my mind? The Covid-19 coronavirus and cruise ships, a topic I raised in a Feb. 21 post titled Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’. The gall of these cruise ship companies! Rather than stand down for awhile, the tasteless ads just keep coming. 

The most recent ad from Princess Cruises asks: “Are you ready to Drop and Go?” (Following the Diamond Princess’ death ship débacle, the ad should probably say “Go” and “Drop”). The lettering even features a clock ... as in “tick-tick-tick-tick ... the minutes of your life are passing ...” 

Princess is advertising “last-minute” cruise ship deals and “limited-time” offers. This is ghoulish.

More than 705 passengers and crew linked to the Diamond Princess developed the coronavirus. Of those, five died. Yet the ads are continuing.

More than 93,000 people worldwide have now been infected with the coronavirus. More than 3,100 have died. Globally, the death rate has now nudged up to 3.4%.

Would you take a cruise today? Most emphatically, I would not.

©  Nicole Parton, 2020

Can This Woman Be Saved?

You are about to read the tragic story of my sister, Louise Fox, a once-normal woman whose life forever changed when she bought one of the many hair products promising silky, shiny locks! MAKE SURE THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN TO YOU.

Louise Fox: Before

Twenty-four hours after the above photo was taken, our hidden cameras caught a desperate Ms. Fox calling a crisis line doctor. Let's roll the tape as we listen in ...

What happened in those tragic 24 hours? What ill-fated events made Louise Fox believe that a wrapped sachet of dishwasher detergent was the magic pill that might save her?

It all began with a bad hair day, when Louise Fox suffered an identity crisis ...

She lost sight of who she was. 

Forgot which end was up ...

And, hoping no one would see her pain, became the life of the party.

Desperate for love, she took solace in porn ...

But then, just as all seemed lost ... the crisis line recommended she try HERB-A-SHINE!

Her hair became shiny and sleek! She felt like a new woman!

But then ... tragedy struck! Her worst fears came true!

Could Lou Fox hide the terrible truth? She had no choice but to face the facts. Herb-a-Shine had, indeed, helped her hair become silky smooth ... but there was a reason marketers dispensed free samples ... a reason why those in the know wouldn’t buy Herb-a-Shine ... a reason why Louise Fox, innocent tester of hair products, had now become a victim. 

As did the other women in the Herb-a-Shine support group Lou Fox later joined, she now had another problem - one she’d be forced to live with for THE REST OF HER LIFE.

Most of the women in 

Louise Fox:
After

the support group
accepted and even 
laughed at their 
fate, but Lou Fox
remained angry and 
bitter throughout her 
final days. A cautionary 
tale for any woman 
desperate enough to
crimp, color, and 
otherwise mess with 
her hair.

© Nicole Parton, 2020