The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used to Be …

What's on my mind? A word to the wise for those of you who are ... um ... aging. Anyone 39 years or younger may skip over these words.

I recently posted a very nice online photo of myself - the best taken in 10 years. That’s because it’s 10 years old. Some 4,000 days have since passed (video of calendar pages rapidly flipping in the wind).

I now have a Mandatory Online Photo Protocol for all grandmotherly types over 70 who no longer draw male whistles and winks: 

(1) Don’t post any photo that shows you falling into a vat of porridge; 

(2) Don’t post any photo that shows you standing in a police lineup; 

(3) Don’t post any photo that shows you naked unless your (medical term to follow) boobs (a) look really, really, really good; (b) aren’t directly connected to your chin or your stomach and (c) don’t bruise your kneecaps; 

(4) Don’t post any photo that shows you and a shar-pei separated at birth; 

(5) Don’t post any photo that features your face, neck, upper arms, stomach, thighs, or butt; 

(6) Don’t post any photo that magnifies your nose and chin hairs while highlighting your ever-shorter eyelashes; 

(7) Don’t post any photo that looks like your passport; 

(8) Don’t post any photo that magnifies your derrière; 

(9) Don’t post any photo in which you look like Zsa Zsa Gabor in her final days; 

(10) Don’t post any photo. 

© Nicole Parton, 2019