VISA Would Probably Nix It

What’s on my mind? Handbags. Not ordinary “purses,” but the tonier-sounding “handbags.”

Paradoxically, you always know a woman has prestige and status when she doesn’t carry a bag. I say “paradoxically” because QE II totes a handbag (not a “purse” but a “handbag”) with nothing in it. Oh, maybe a cough drop, but otherwise, nothing.

She famously uses her bag as a signaling device to ladies-in-waiting (“Save me from this boring dame”) or to her discreet Personal Protection Officers (“Drag this dude to the dungeon”), as the situation requires. 

Have you ever seen a TV cop vault a chain-link fence with a purse slung over her shoulder? No way, Jose.

Does Melania Trump carry a purse? Does a G-7-bound Angela Merkel? Nope and nope. So where do these women stash their Kleenex? Up their sleeves? In their bras? In a money belt under their panties? 

The really rich don’t need a purse. An unobtrusive human lapdog follows at their heels, anticipating every need - alms for the poor, pens for autograph books, diapers … Yes, diapers. Kim Kardashian once stuffed baby North’s cheddar snacks and diapers into a $50,000 Hermes bag. 

I would never buy such a bag. Although I dutifully pay my bills in full and on time, VISA would probably nix it. As the TV ad for one US credit card asks: “What’s in your wallet?” There ain’t no $50,000 purses, and that’s fer dam-shure.  

“Man purses” have a certain cachet in places like Europe and Greece. Let’s not go there. Man purses are nothing like handbags. Women collect handbags. Purse genius Kate Spade knew that. And so do the likes of Chanel and YSL. 

I have a little secret! I, too, boast a modest collection of color-coordinated bags. Crafted from elegant plastic, they match my plastic shoes. If Melania carried a purse, they’d surely match her shoes - and what I’d never-ever want, is to be in Melania’s shoes.

© Nicole Parton, 2019