I Do Not Like You, Mr. Trump

I do not like Your Lying Ways, 

I do not like Your Hate For Gays, 

I do not like Your Grabbing Rump, 

I do not like you, Mr. Trump.

Dunno who penned that, but sure wish I had. Then I’d be the one splashing those words over the mugs and caps and T-shirts for which Never-Trumpers are happy to pay a bazillion dollars.

I don’t hate Donald Trump. I don’t hate anyone. I pray for Donald Trump.

Whoops! That was Democratic House speaker Nancy Pelosi.

Actually, I do dislike Trump - but I don’t hate him. I feel sorry for him, because he’s so deeply flawed. Everyone’s flawed, but Trump is more flawed than most.

I do not like Your Lying Ways, 

I do not like Your Hate For Gays …

What, oh what, could possibly make the man so reviled? 

Was it that he kept Queen Elizabeth waiting in the summer of 2018, and then walked ahead of her, treating her to the sight of his butt? Na-a-a-ah … Donald Trump may be a boor, but the Queen’s met boors, before. This, I know for a fact. The Queen once met me.

So why do people hate Donald Trump? Let me count the ways … Actually, you count ’em. Large numbers make me dizzy.

It’s rats, I hate. The other night, a rat ran the length of our fence to ogle my naked body while I was hot-tubbing. Sorry to say, this reminded me of Donald Trump, who (let joy be unconfined!) has never seen my body parts, covered or otherwise. 

In 20o5, Trump boasted he could “get away” with walking unannounced into the dressing room of the Miss USA beauty pageant to “inspect” beautiful women. Trump said that to radio host Howard Stern, who repeated it to the world. 

Calling his behavior “creepy” and “shocking,” some of the women in the room who verified Trump’s behavior said some of the naked and half-naked contestants were teenagers.

I do not like Your Grabbing Rump, 

I do not like you, Mr. Trump.

Rats are survivors. So is Donald Trump. He was running for election in 2016 when the Access Hollywood scandal broke. As Trump told a chortling Billy Bush in a 2005 interview: “… I’m automatically attracted to beautiful - I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.” 

The then-newly married Trump not only survived the scandal, but became the 45th President of the Excited States, after which he survived even more rat-racy scandals. (Don’t say Trump never reads. Escort Stormy Daniels claimed she spanked Trump’s naked gluteus maximus with a business magazine).

When Michael Cohen, Trump’s former personal lawyer and “fixer,” squealed on Trump to federal authorities, his former boss called Cohen a “rat.” Mobster Al Capone once said of himself: “I’m no rat.” News flash: Trump knows mob-talk!

Donald Trump knows all about rats.  He once called Baltimore “a disgusting, rat- and rodent-infested mess” as well as the “worst in the USA” and a place “no human being would want to live.” Nothing like inspiring pride in My Town, USA, for the 612,000 Americans who call Baltimore home.

What goes around, comes around. When His Trumpness graced Baltimore with his presence last Fall, residents flew rat balloons that looked - gee! - just like The Donald. Political cartoonists drew terrified rats fleeing Trump’s complicated comb-over, among other jabs.

And Trump? He seemed okay with the derision. Negative publicity, after all, is better than no publicity at all.

I don’t hate Donald Trump. It’s rats, I hate. Rats remind me of Donald Trump.

©  Nicole Parton, 2020

Driving the School Bus

Question: What’s the difference between US President Donald Trump and a goldfish? A goldfish is harmless and predictable. Donald Trump is not.

Sadly, Trump is a shambling wreck of a man - a shameless grifter with no moral compass; a pathological liar and paranoiac; a man enthralled by dictators; a man who is both a misogynist and a xenophobe; a man who nurses conspiracy theories like a mother takes a newborn to her breast. 

This is a man who can barely remember which fake news outlet he hates most on any given day; a man who keeps a book of real or perceived slights; a man ready to lash out at the very moment his opponent shows weakness, such as mourning her newly dead husband. This is a man who bears grudges so heavy and thick and old that the deepest excavation through the layers will find not a trace of forgiveness.   

This is a man who juggles the fate of the world in unsteady hands even as he proffers Kool Aid to those who kneel at his feet. 

This is a man who - wide-eyed and wondrous - wants to beep-beep the horn of a great, big truck and race ’round the track at Nascar. This is a man who once bragged that while his guests get two scoops of ice cream in the White House dining room, he and he alone gets three.

This is a man who appears to have little or no understanding of American history or government policy. This is a man who says one thing one day and another thing, the next. This is a man who stole from his own charitable foundation and ripped off students at the so-called “university” bearing his name.

This is a man who screwed his contractors and declared bankruptcy six times because he knew he could profit from it. This is a man who drums up business for his hotels and resorts while in office. This is a man who sits on a gold toilet, staring into space with blank eyes. 

This is a man so vile that he doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “nepotism” and why it is both dangerous and unwise. This is a man who appears not to understand that the longer he remains in office, the more he will hurt himself, his odious family, his associates, his country, and the world.

This is a man in severe cognitive decline. Would you let him drive the bus that takes your kids to school? I would not. Yet he holds the most powerful position in the most powerful country in the world. 

It can’t be fun, being Donald Trump, raging and tweeting long into the dark and sleepless hours. 

Like the briefly exciting beep-beep of the big truck, the thrill of occupying the Oval has surely passed. Trump knows a sitting President can’t be criminally charged. Perhaps that’s why he muses about occupying the Oval for a third term. 

“COVID-19? Pence and Fauci and Brix are on it. The Easter Egg Roll’s a couple of weeks away … Or maybe not. Eff social distancing! Why can’t everyone just go back to work? This corona thing’s costing too much. And now they want more equipment. Why? Don’t they have enough?  

“I miss golf. Maybe someone at Nascar will take me ’round the track again, in one of those really fast cars. I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.”

©  Nicole Parton, 2020

Words Matter

Words matter - but they should matter greatly more to a President whose every word and tweet will weave the fabric of history. A President’s words can inspire: “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” 

They can miss the mark: “Mission accomplished!”

And, at a time of fear and despair such as this, words can foment anger, hatred, and disgust: “So (if) we have between 100 and 200,000 (future deaths) … we altogether (will) have done a very good job.” 

That’s President Donald Trump, giving himself a premature back pat. As for his slow response to the coronavirus? “I don’t take responsibility at all.”

Just as words matter, so do numbers: On March 24, the US had 52,976 confirmed cases of COVID-19, the novel coronavirus. By March 31, one week later, the number had increased 3-1/2 times, to more than 185,000 confirmed cases. April 1, one day later, the US had more than 200,000 confirmed cases.

Two days ago, The Washington Post reported multiple red-state governors have declined to issue stay-at-home orders. Calling a federally mandated order “pretty unlikely at this time,” Trump appears to have no difficulty with that position. This is complete and utter madness. Words and numbers matter - and so do actions.

Yesterday’s blog post referred to the growing concern that Donald Trump is mentally ill. What was once whispered is now openly stated: Trump is a sociopath and a malignant narcissist. His over-use of go-to words and phrases suggests further mental decline.  

So I took a simple word count, randomly choosing the transcript of the Friday, March 27, White House briefing during which Trump, Vice-President Mike Pence, and Members of the Coronavirus Task Force responded to reporters’ questions about the virus’ progress and handling. 

Spotting Trump’s reliance on simple words and phrases was easy. He used the words “appreciate” and “appreciative” 20 times. This became a news story. If Trump feels he’s not “appreciated,” he won’t return a governor’s calls about COVID-19. Likewise, he used “nice” 5 times. He expects state officials to be “nice” - same rationale, same result.

Referred to 31 times, “world” became over-blown self-congratulation: “… in the world/more than any other country/more than anybody/largest/biggest/greatest economy in/all over the world/world was looking good/no country in the world” … etc.)

Much was “amazing” (3 times), “incredible” (28 times), “fantastic” (5 times), “great” (62 times), and “tremendous” (7 times). You’d think Trump was selling vacuum cleaners rather than addressing a runaway global pandemic. 

He mentioned the “fake news” 3 times. He called a reporter “cutie pie” in an apparent effort to humiliate him.

He spoke in loose superlatives, using “million” and “millions” a total of 12 times, as in: “It’s thousands and millions of jobs. It’s millions of jobs.” And: “… the millions and millions of pieces of equipment have been delivered successfully by us - purchased and delivered.” 

“Nobody” came up 13 times, as in: “Nobody has seen …”/(N)obody has ever seen before/Nobody has ever seen it/Nobody cares about trade, nobody cares about anything/nobody thought/nobody has any idea/nobody was prepared for this/What we’ve done, nobody can even imagine/This is a pandemic the likes of which nobody has seen before.” 

He clung to grudges: “I think we’ve done a great job for the state of Washington. And I think the governor, who’s a failed presidential candidate, as you know - he - he leveled out at zero in the polls. He’s constantly chirping and - I guess ’’ ‘complaining’ would be a nice way of saying it. We’re building hospitals.  … We’ve done a great job for the state of Washington.”

Never once did he give MI Governor Gretchen Whitmer, a Democrat the courtesy of referring to her by name:

“Michigan, all she does is — she has no idea what’s going on. And all she does is say, “Oh, it’s the federal government’s fault.” And we’ve taken such great care of Michigan.” This, too, became a news story. 

And President Obama … Always President Obama. I suspect Trump’s unprovoked diminishment of Obama is Trump’s way to bolster his own sagging psyche: “We are prepared for things that nobody has any idea that we’d be prepared. And you know what? When I took this over, it was an empty box. We didn’t have testing. We didn’t have anything. We had a broken system there. We had a broken system with stockpiling. We had a lot of broken systems …”

And sometimes, Trump just made no sense at all: “The beautiful thing about our country is: $6.2 trillion, because it is 2.2 plus 4. It’s $6.2 trillion. And we can handle that easily because of who we are, what we are. It’s our - it’s our money. It’s our - we are the ones. It’s our currency. We can handle it, and we can handle -”

And finally this, spoken with a child’s wonderment as the world unfolds: “I looked - last night, I was watching, and I’m looking down Madison Avenue and Fifth Avenue.  John, there were no people in the street. I mean, normally, you wouldn’t be able to see the sidewalk. There would be cars all over it. It would be like rush-hour stuff. I’m looking at it and I’m saying ‘I can’t believe it.  There are no cars.  There are no people.’  

“There wasn’t one person on Fifth Avenue walking down the street.  I’ve never seen that before.  You know, I guess, maybe at one o’clock in the morning, four o’clock in the morning, maybe.  But I’ve never seen that before.” 

©  Nicole Parton, 2020

A Balloon Afloat on Self-Produced Helium

I was once appointed chair of a government task force on daycare. It was soon obvious that I knew zip! about daycare. Before becoming more embarrassed than I already felt, I was quietly relieved of my duties - a good thing for all, including me. 

US President Donald Trump has been chairing a daycare committee for 3-1/2 years. That daycare committee is his sometimes slippery grip on governance. It appears he’s not very good at it, but he won’t let go. 

Unfortunately, he’s the baby in the daycare center - a mendacious bully who pouts, has temper tantrums, doesn’t apologize when he’s wrong, and speaks in simple, oft-repeated words and rambling phrases, so that it’s often impossible for a careful listener to follow the bouncing ball. 

Trump’s impeachment might have been a gateway to showing him the door, but almost every Senate Republican found his behavior acceptable.

Describing Trump as a sociopath and a malignant narcissist, more than a few accredited psychiatrists share that opinion. What are the hallmarks of a sociopath? Sociopaths have deep-seated rage; are glib and superficially charming; lack empathy for others’ feelings; and often make impulsive decisions with no guilt for the harm they cause.

And malignant narcissists? Their traits comprise an extreme mix of narcissism, antisocial behavior, aggression, sadism, a grandiose sense of self, and unrealistic beliefs in their own powers and abilities. Always “right,” they’re flashpoint-ready to raise hostility, undermine families and organizations, and dehumanize their associates. 

Malignant narcissists are manipulative and self-serving. As pathological liars, they con others without shame, remorse, or guilt. Having only shallow emotions, they lack the ability to love, craving stimulation through such outlets as promiscuity and shouting.  

Again, more than a few accredited psychiatrists ascribe these traits to Trump. I’ve never met Trump and am not a psychiatrist. What I am is a person interested in words, which is how I came to take a closer look at Trump’s.

To do this, I randomly chose the transcript of the Friday, March 27, White House briefing during which Trump, Vice-President Mike Pence, and Members of the Coronavirus Task Force responded to reporters’ questions about the virus’ progress and handling. 

On reading the transcript, I noticed Trump’s frequent repetition of numerous simple words and phrases. And so I started counting. Speakers sometimes repeat words because they’re afraid they didn’t make themselves clear or that their audience didn’t understand a particular concept. 

Repetition can be a highly effective speaking technique. Unfortunately, Trump’s lean toward the chaotic, unscripted, and pointless.

Numerous repetitions can reinforce “the Big Lie Technique,” in which an audience comes to accept a lie told many times as truth. “Lock her up!” and the suggestion that President Obama was born in Kenya are two of many examples. 

Good speakers often use the repetition of short, snappy sentences of parallel construction to make a positive impact on an audience. Sadly, a speaker in cognitive decline can find repetition a safe haven, feeling more at ease with tried-and-true phrases and familiar linguistic patterns. 

  

The joke among reporters is that when Donald Trump says: “Believe me ...” (which he does often), you can safely assume Trump’s lying:

“What we’ve done, nobody can even imagine. And, by the way, I’ve had governors tell me, including Democrat governors - they said, ‘We can’t believe you’ve been able to do this.’” When Trump combines self-grandiosity with a dubious  statement, I visualize a balloon, afloat on self-produced helium, ready to pop.

As for those many words and phrases I found …? Not surprisingly, “I” topped the list with 289 references. When Trump didn’t have a ready answer to reporters’ questions, his response 17 times over was: “We’ll see/We’re going to see/We’ll see what happens,” etc., etc., etc. 

Tomorrow: A closer look at the repetitions in that transcript. 

©  Nicole Parton, 2020

Lesson #7 to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19

I’ve saved the best for last. 

Lesson #7 is a little reminder to wear personal protective equipment such as gloves and masks. And ahhh, don’t try this in the supermarket -  or anywhere else you shop.

Part of the ongoing challenge of COVID-19 is battling the heartache, sadness, and fear it presents. Try to smile through the tears. Smiles help us heal. xox Nicole

Lesson #6 to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19

We began with social distancing, but its importance cannot be understated. And so I'll say it again. 

Lesson #6: Keep your distance! You stand back ... and I’ll stand back! There will be tragic losses. But most of us will get through the coronavirus separated - and together. 

Lesson #5 to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19

Another important basic to protect yourself and your loved ones against the coronavirus. 

Lesson #5: Wash up. And keep it up. Long after this virus ends.

Lesson #4 to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19

More advice to protect yourself and others against the coronavirus. 

Lesson #4: Be prepared. Don’t hoard, but don’t run out, either. This lesson comes with a bad language alert. Sorry about that!

Lesson #3 to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19

More tongue-in-cheek lessons to protect yourself and others against COVID-19. Why worry? President Trump wants to see packed pews by Easter. He advises everyone to return to work. “I think it will be a beautiful time,” he says.

PS: If this offends you, I apologize.

Lesson #3: Pray.

Lesson #2 to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19

This brief series is a continuation of lessons to protect yourself and others against COVID-19. 

Lesson #2: Cover up! Nuff said about that.

Lesson #1 to Protect Yourself Against COVID-19

If you’ve already cried buckets, perhaps you’ll smile at this stress-reliever. Over the next few days, I’ll impart a few light lessons on arming yourself against COVID-19. 

Lesson #1: Social Distancing. This time-tested technique works well to disperse a crowd.


 

Tomorrow: Lesson #2: Cover up! 

Nine Days of COVID-19 in Donald Trump’s Surreal America

What’s on my mind? Nine days of COVID-19 in the land of the free and the home of the brave. The US now has the third-highest number of confirmed cases in the world. Globally, there are now 467,000 confirmed cases.

On the federal government's and his own virus missteps, President Donald J. Trump declared: “I don’t take responsibility at all.” - MSNBC, March 16, 2020

On his response to the coronavirus, Trump said: “I’d rate it a 10.” - Huffpost, March 16, 2020

On how he views himself v. COVID-19: “I’m a wartime president. It’s a war.” - BBC, March 18, 2020

On his responsibility to arm governors with the critical equipment and potentially life-saving supplies their states need to fight the coronavirus pandemic, Trump replied that the federal government is “not a shipping clerk.” - Politico, March 19, 2020

More than 52,976 people in the United States have now tested positive for the novel coronavirus. More than 163 deaths from COVID-19 were reported in the United States today, making this the deadliest day in the US since the coronavirus pandemic began. - Summary from CNN, March 24, 2020

“New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo begged the Trump administration on Tuesday for more ventilators, warning that the peak of the coronavirus could hit the state in 14 days. Cuomo said the state needs at least 30,000 of the breathing machines to care for the influx of coronavirus patients that is expected to hit New York in two weeks. So far, the state has procured 7,000, but has only received 400 from the federal government.”- The Hill, March 24, 2020 

“Doctors, nurses and other frontline health workers in the coronavirus crisis are faced with a critical lack of personal protective equipment and have taken to begging for equipment online … The shortages have been devastating. Seamstresses have been asked to make masks for hospital workers. As one hospital’s equipment supply diminished, one anesthesiologist wore a plastic bag over his head during a procedure. Construction companies have been asked to donate existing supplies of respirator masks.”- The Guardian, March 24, 2020 

“Am I strong in my language vis à vis the federal government? Yes, I am ... How can you be in a situation where (people are) possibly dying because they can’t get a ventilator, but a federal agency is saying, ‘I’m going to leave the ventilators in the stockpile.’ Have we really come to that point? 

“The Federal Emergency Management Agency is sending the state 400 ventilators. Four hundred ventilators? I need 30,000 ventilators. You want a pat on the back for sending 400 ventilators?” - New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo, daily press briefing, PCSP TV, March 24, 2020

“KUOW is monitoring White House briefings for the latest news on the coronavirus - and we will continue to share all news relevant to Washington State with our listeners. However, we will not be airing the briefings live due to a pattern of false or misleading information provided, that cannot be fact-checked in real time.” - KUOW Public Radio, Washington, DC, March 24, 2020

“I would love to have the country opened up and raring to go by Easter … You’ll have packed churches all over our country. I think it will be a beautiful time.” - President Donald J. Trump, Fox News Virtual Town Hall, March 24, 2020

“It’s a two-way street. They have to treat us well. They can’t say, ‘Oh, gee, we should get this, we should get that.’” - Donald Trump during Fox News’ virtual town hall, stating he’ll help Democrat governors struggling to contain coronavirus outbreaks - but only if they stop criticizing him, March 25, 2020

“If we don’t get more funding from the feds, I don’t know how we write the budget … I know the politics of ‘play nice and don’t put any pressure on any other elected official’ ... (If) you don’t play nice in the sandbox … they’ll say you have sharp elbows. This is not a time to play nice in the sandbox.

“If you are hurting the people of the state, I’m going to fight for the people of New York to the best of my ability. We need more federal help …” - New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo, daily press briefing, PCSP TV, March 25, 2020

“Some very smart people have suggested that the coronavirus briefings should come from the CDC or the Department of Health and Human services - with public health experts, doctors, and other public officials giving scientifically accurate information to the press and the American people ... 

“Trump has to do the briefings. Because he won’t be able to hold a rally for months. He’s an egomaniac. A charlatan who needs an audience to get his juices going.

“And so, we have this spectacle now - three, four, five times a week. What will Trump do today? Take credit for some positive development? Of course. Blow up at a ‘nasty’ reporter? Good chance. Give out a piece of dangerously irresponsible information?  You bet.” - The Al Franken Newsletter, alfranken.com, March 25, 2020

“The LameStream Media is the dominant force in trying to get me to keep our Country closed as long as possible in the hope that it will be detrimental to my election success. The real people want to get back to work ASAP. We will be stronger than ever before!”- Twitter account of @realDonaldTrump, March 25, 2020, 4:45 pm EST

“New York City hospital sets up makeshift morgues to prepare for coronavirus deaths.” - CNN, March 25, 2020

More than 65,778 people in the United States have now tested positive for the novel coronavirus. The country reported more than 200 COVID-19 deaths today - a new high for single-day fatalities. To date, the US has had at least 544 deaths from the virus - 40% of them, New Yorkers. - Summary from CNN, March 25, 2020

The Importance of Saying Thank You

What’s on my mind? Merci! 謝謝!Danke! Obrigado! شكرا لكم! Grazie! Thank you, to everyone, everywhere, battling the common enemy of COVID-19.

Thank you to the health workers fighting to save lives. Thank you to the shelf-stockers. Thank you to the assembly-manufacturer-order-delivery people. Thank you, creative artists, for the works that inspire and engage us. Thank you to the virtual hand-holders - whether on the phone, through social media, by screen sharing, or by email. 

Thank you, distributors of blessings and prayers for the weak, tired and strong, whether for people of faith or of no faith. Thank you to all who accept your neighbors and friends as they are, while at the same time, having the good sense to dismiss what the grifters and grabbers are selling. Thank you for using your critical thinking skills to objectively assess how erratic, unstable leaders have lifted you up or put you down.  

Thank you for the leadership you’re showing, and for your willingness to follow when it’s important to do so. Thank you for considering how you might help make the world a safer, happier, less fearful place for all.

Thank you for the respect you’re showing by washing your hands, physical distancing, and self-isolating. Thank you for considering others’ needs and wants, while focussing less on your own. Thank you for looking after your family, pets, and other animals.

Thank you for telling those you love and respect how much they mean to you. Thank you for the brave face you’ve shown while keeping your temper and tears in check. Thank you to the many, many people who are doing their best under difficult circustances. 

This pandemic will get worse before it gets better. But be certain it will get better. For every breath you take, give thanks. 

© Nicole Parton, 2020

Stay Calm and Carry On

What’s on my mind? COVID-19, of course. Here’s Neil Diamond, who’s revamped the ever-popular Sweet Caroline to fit the times:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPLgsV_Ms3Q

And here’s the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump: 

Stay well - Nicole

An Oath in Blood

As a young mother who cooked, sewed, had a job, and three kids born in 1971, I was over-the-top busy and keen to provide my children with educational experiences. When the Oscar-winning Chariots of Fire came to the video store, I dashed out to rent it, thinking the movie would be yet another educational experience.

The movie was an educational experience, all right: Little did I know the video store had the caveman pic Quest for Fire on the same shelf as Chariots of Fire. Grabbing what I thought was Chariots, I plunked my six-year-olds in front of the TV and exited, stage righteous.

Assuming the grunting I heard was the exhaustion of the runners in the movie, I looked in to find my kids on the carpet, propped up on their elbows, fixated on the TV. Even the dog was engrossed in the movie.

I entered the living room just as the Neanderthal men - covered in nothing but mud - began buggering the women washing their exposed privates at the river. Shrieking, I jumped over kids and dog to stop the movie. The buggery scene (aka the “river scene”) is so graphic YouTube won’t let anyone see it unless they sign an oath in blood swearing they’re over 21. 

The “river scene” has been forever seared into the memories of my now-middle-aged kids. Never the same after that movie, the dog had to be neutered.

© Nicole Parton, 2020

What Foods These Morsels Be

What’s on my mind? Food. Himself and I have peanut-butter breath, consider bacon a food group, and use gluten facial scrubs. We’re omnivorous, but no one else seems to be.

I’ve kept notes on guests’ food sensitivities for years. If you don’t like it, we won’t serve it. We routinely ask the “food sensitivities” question when we extend an invitation.

A year ago, we had a small dinner party to which a very nice woman almost didn’t come. “I can’t eat anything!” she said. Which was odd, because she wasn’t exactly thin.

“Tell me what you can eat, and I’ll make it,” I said.

“Just a few steamed vegetables with nothing on them. I’m allergic to everything else.”

So that’s exactly what I served her. She spent the evening picking food from her husband’s plate - and eating half his dessert.

I once gave a buffet dinner party for a group of hungry university students. One announced she was vegan. I knocked myself out to cook food she could eat, labeling each vegan dish with a prominent V. When the dinner bell rang, the students stampeded to the table - and the vegan stopped in her tracks.

“Everything looks so good I’ll forget about being vegan tonight!” And dived right in. Which didn’t really matter because the non-vegans ate the vegan stuff, too.

That was 25 years ago, when the world was younger and life was simpler. Now that we and most of the people we know are old, life is more complicated.

Last year, when Himself did the cooking for a dinner party, he forgot to ask a woman he’d invited the all-important “food sensitivities” question. What happened will forever be seared into our memories.

As Himself placed the dish before her, her mouth turned down and she pushed the plate as far as she could shove it. In a very loud voice, she said: “I’m not eating that!” And didn’t. Her husband had two servings and loved every morsel.

With no names given, here are my notes on what some of our guests can’t/won’t eat. This isn’t a whimsical listing. It’s true:

• No cheese. 

• Little sugar, low fat, small portions. Diabetic.

• Lactose intolerant. Likes almond milk. Can’t take much fat; has gluten issues. 

• Cannot eat green/red/yellow peppers or spicy foods but likes curry. 

• Decaf coffee, only. No alcohol.

• No grapefruit. 

• Prefers mushy food. 

• Dislikes soup and food swimming in liquid; not fond of meatloaf and foods that look like they’ve already been chewed.

• No crustaceans, red meat, or internal organs.

• Hypoglycemic.

• Nothing spicy. No beans. No fat. Has diverticulosis.

• Extreme, life-threatening allergy to shellfish, even if once in a pot that has since been washed.

• Barfs when she eats lamb. No lamb. NO LAMB EVER.

• No cream cheese.

• No salt in any cooked food. 

• No seeds or nuts.

• No cottage cheese.

• Needs lactose-free milk. No yogurt, cottage or other cheese.  Loves and eats ice cream.

• No pine nuts, macadamia nuts, Brazil nuts, and hazelnuts (ground almonds and peanuts in the shell are okay).

• Allergic to sprouts, raw carrots, celery, and the peel of most fruit.

• No dairy, no gluten.

• No salmon.

• Nothing fatty or spicy.

• No wheat or rice bread. Likes kamut bread.

One of my favorite people can’t eat dairy, eggs, meat, gluten, onions, leeks, peppers, olives, olive oil, raw apples and apple juice, sweet potatoes, flax seeds or flax oil, or garlic. She now brings and cooks her own food. Works for me …

© Nicole Parton, 2020