Is PoisonEx Right for You?

What’s on my mind? I am “under the weather,” as the saying goes. I have a cold, as do millions if other people at this time of year. Bummer.

So, feet up on the couch, eyes rheumy, nose sniffly, I stare blankly at CNN. The pharmaceutical ads that pay the bills for this and many other stations command my attention: “And now, a word from PoisonEx, the makers of cyanide!”

I’m joking, of course. Today, ads seamlessly segue from one to the next, their “entertainment factor” high.

“Ah was healthy until ah started ta take these pee-ulls …” 

No one says that, either, though it’s sometimes true. Consumer Reports magazine notes Americans take an average of four prescription meds as well as over-the-counter vitamin and herbal supplements, some doing more harm than good, with unreported drug interactions.

As Consumer Reports further notes: “The number of prescriptions filled for American adults and children rose 85 percent between 1997 and 2016, from 2.4 billion to 4.5 billion a year, according to the health research firm Quintile IMS. During that time, the U.S. population rose 21 percent.”

The article lists 12 conditions for which people can attempt lifestyle changes before taking prescription meds: ADHD; back and joint pain; dementia; mild depression; heartburn; insomnia; low testosterone; osteopenia (bone loss); overactive bladder; pre-diabetes; pre-hypertension, and obesity. The pharmaceutical ads don’t mention that; they should be required to. 

Maybe I’m just crabby. Maybe you feel differently. As you watch the ads - sniffly and rheumy-eyed, feeling sorry for yourself - three things may happen: 

(1) You start to drool as the ad shows real actors - not people - who once felt lousy. Today, they’re playing tennis, bouncing grandkids on their knees, frolicking in swimming pools (which any fool knows is a prelude to sex), and cuddling (ditto) as they watch the sun set on the pain and misery they suffered before taking PoisonEx. 

You chew that over awhile. Everyone in the ad is wearing color-coordinated clothes. Dang! You’re worthy! Why aren’t you wearing color-coordinated clothes instead of this ratty bathrobe? 

It takes another 30 ad exposures for you to make the connection that PoisonEx = color-coordinated clothes = silver-haired foxes of the sexual persuasion = sex! sex! sex! for y-o-u-u-u-u! 

(2) You barely read or hear the federally mandated cautions because the visuals are so compelling. Delivered in fine print and in calm, reassuring tones, these cautions include words such as “excessive bleeding” … “seek medical help immediately”…“liver and lung” … “certain fungal illnesses” ... “serious and sometimes fatal incidents have been known to occur …” 

It’s hard to read and hear those messages as you fixate on the sexy, athletic, pill poppers who walk on beaches, stroll in parks, smile as they jog, and laugh during family picnics.

There they are, holding hands and making (nudge-nudge, wink-wink) eye contact. Because you’re still thinking about those color-coordinated clothes (and what might happen when you peel them off), little else registers in your brain.

(3) And now for the clincher, as a disembodied, hypnotic voice says: “Ask your doctor if PoisonEx is right for you!” 

And you, wanting sex and color-coordinated clothes, think: “Maybe PoisonEx is right for me …” After which you also think: “What’s it supposed to fix, again …?” You can’t quite remember. Too many ads. Too little time.

If you’re sensible, you snap back to reality - still feeling lousy, still rheumy-eyed, still blowing your nose, but savvy enough to know your cold will be gone in a week. PoisonEx is not right for you, though a little frolicking and cuddling may not be such a bad idea. 

©  Nicole Parton, 2019