Bulls**t Baffles Brains

What’s on my mind? How did American cable news networks ever exist without medically related ads? And is the punishment worse than the cure?

Example #1: 

Casino Card Dealer (quite likely, actor portraying casino card dealer): “My teeth were so messed up …” 

Man in White Smock (also quite likely, actor portraying man in white smock): “David was … (dramatic pause) 2-4-8 complete reconstruction.” 

(What the heck is “2-4-8 complete reconstruction”? It has to be something major, or why would a man in a white smock confide in us, as though we were best buddies? Could the (highly researched, focus-grouped) conclusion be that even if we’re clueless what “2-4-8 complete reconstruction” is, we’ll think: “Holey moley! That sounds serious!”)

Example #2: 

Male voice: Strong chemo can put you at risk of serious infection, which could lead to hospitalizations. In a key study, Bratsolin* reduced the risk of infection from 17% to 1% - a 94% decrease.

(Wa-a-ait a minnit! Lemme … Lemme do the math! What was that, again? 1% means 94 wha-? How much was that? What percent? I said Wa-a-ait a minnit! I wanna do this! How much was it? How much?

Example #3:

Do not take Britziko* if you’re allergic to Britziko* … Side effects may include ruptured spleen … fatal as well as serious lung problems, allergic reactions, kidney injuries … capillary leak syndrome. Report abdominal or shoulder tip pain, trouble breathing. or allergic reactions to your doctor right away. In patients with sickle cell disorders, serious and sometimes fatal crises can occur. The most common side effect is stomach [word unclear] muscle ache. 

Among Britziko’s* “common” side effects are bone pain, pain in your arms or legs, and injection site reactions (bruising, swelling, pain, redness, or a hard lump). 

Example #4:

As the images of a famous movie star flash by, so do these side effects, from a currently televised smoking-cessation drug. The advertiser notes that these issues can occur “with or without Kwiddit*” - a valid disclaimer. They also say the product works best “with support.” 

In another ad for the same product, the advertiser reinforces the simple truth that: “To increase your chance of success, use this medication with a stop-smoking program that includes education, support, and counseling.” Yep.

The side effects follow: “Some people have changes in behavior or thinking ... aggression ... hostility ... agitation ... depressed mood ... suicidal thoughts or actions with Kwiddit.* Serious side effects may include seizures, new or worse heart or blood vessel problems, sleepwalking or allergic and skin reactions which can be life-threatening … The most common side effect is nausea.”

The medication’s side effects are verbal, rather than written. In medication ads featuring written side effects, the font is so small and the images are so compelling that I scarcely notice the warnings. Bet you don’t, either.

Many of these TV ads also appear on YouTube. What do viewers have to say? Here are some of their responses:

• Wanna know how my dad quit smoking? GOD.

• When u come up with a cure for cancer, I'll pay attn. Piss off.

• I dont think about cigarettes anymore, now I think about the transmissions in my tooth telling me to violenty murder my neighbors for collaborating with microscopic, alien squid... Ill take another brand new, brand name pharmacutical drug for these effects....

Others ask if the house in the quit-smoking ad belongs to the famous movie star, or if the woman in the ad is his wife. I’ve fictionalized the medications’ names, but not the content or spelling of the viewers’ responses. So much for focus groups.

© Nicole Parton, 2019