Thank you, Mr. Harris

What’s on my mind? I apologize. I’m sorry. I’m really, really, really sorry. I’m living under a cloud of guilt (Jeez - a cloud. I’m making it worse). 

Where I actually live is on an island. Islands, as (here comes Da Prez) Donald Trump said in 2017, are “surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.” 

How perceptive! If only I were a “very stable genius”! The president said those words, too. Not of me, but of himself. 

(I’d take issue with some of those words, Mr. President. The “stable” part. The “genius” part. The “very” part’s fine, but with other descriptors.)

None of this lessens my guilt.

So now you know I live on an island. An island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water. As a wannabe very stable genius, I chose to live on a part of that island that tends to be sheltered from cold-weather extremes. 

(I didn’t dream that up. It was some meteorologist who said it, or the guy down at the hardware store, or maybe our next-door neighbor, Mr. Harris. What-ev-er! Ohhh, I feel so guilty! This isn’t helping. Cut to the chase, Nicole.) 

There are two kinds of idiots: Idiots who love snow, and idiots who don’t. (There! I’ve said it and I’m glad.) I happen to be an idiot who loves snow.

You can count on idiots who don’t love snow saying stuff like: “Snow’s fine as long as it stays on the mountains.” Screw that! I want it here and I want it now. And that makes me feel very, very guilty.

Bad things happen to good people when it snows. Vehicles slide into ditches - or worse, into other vehicles, or into people. Roofs collapse. Buildings overheat and catch fire. People die. Animals die. Hunger worsens. And, unfortunately, hell never freezes over. 

I feel guilty because I want to see some snow. Just enough to make a snow man. A snow angel, perhaps. 

Just enough to say: “Hi, Mr. Harris! Why don’ I shovel that driveway of yours?” 

Upon which Mr. Harris would say: “Don’ yew trouble yerself, li’l lady! I’ll do it later!” and I’d say: “Okee-dokee!” and sidle off, my guilt lessened without having done SFA. 

And that’s why I love snow! Because I - wannabe very stable genius, inhabitant of an island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water - am smart enough to have chosen Mr. Harris as my neighbor! 

Which means I can mosey on down the road and feel a whole lot less guilty than I did two minutes earlier. I love snow! 

Two hours later: We’re having a blizzard! I hate snow!

© Nicole Parton, 2019