The Lightness of a Partially Human Brain

What’s on my mind? Forensic pathologists say the average human brain weighs 3 lb. or 1.4 kg - about the size of a cantaloupe. If you don’t know what a “forensic pathologist” is, you probably don’t want to know. 

If you don’t know what a “human brain” is, you probably don’t need to know. If you don’t know what a “cantaloupe” is, you probably live in some distant land and would like to know. Send me your address, a USD money order for postage and handling, and I’ll see what I can do for you.

By sheer good fortune, my own brain weighs 1.2 oz. or 35 g. On the plus side, this means less dusting, vacuuming, and polishing. On the negative side, this means I sit around all day watching cable news coverage of Donald J. Trump.

This guy apparently married some dame who willingly sold her soul to the highest bidder and wound up with him. Now she sits around all day watching cable news coverage of Donald J. Trump in the event her keeper presents her with a questionnaire. 

I understand her human brain weighs more than the average and his partially human brain weighs less, which means he sits around all day watching cable news coverage of himself.

To escape the TV set and do something of value, the auctioned-off lady now has a “Be Best” campaign to encourage children to be kind, respectful of others, compassionate, and courageous. 

The man with the partially human brain weighing less than hers (and, sadly, with a soul weighing less than the tiniest feather) has not yet grasped the meaning of this campaign. 

It’s rumored that forensic pathologists can hardly wait to get their hands on his head. It’s rare for a partially human brain  (especially one weighing as little as his) to require as much dusting, vacuuming, polishing, and sheer, hard scrubbing as his does. 

Sadly, this man’s partially human brain accepts no intellectual stimulation or cleaning - none. Sadly, he doesn’t care. Even more sadly, his partially human brain died a long time ago. 

© Nicole Parton, 2019